Which means every six months for eight hours combined on a weekend, nine if you're a member of the priesthood, we gather and listen to the prophets and apostles and others called to speak at the world meetings.
The whole Saturday morning session really spoke to me and it got me thinking.
When did I become such a whuss?
Though I was having a much harder time dealing with my addiction as a teenager I would have never cringed from an open opportunity to admit that I was a member of the church. Which I have done twice since going to college and felt slight guilty about. On the one hand those opportunities could have been like casting pearls before swine, but then again...who knows?
I was so much stronger back then, and so much weaker. It's kind of like a deja vu grade report.
Old Me
F) Back then I didn't stand up for myself very much and didn't like to try and make friends in social situations.
F) So I was lonely and felt harassed a lot.
C) I'd often cry after church because I was so lonely.
A) But I also never gossiped, hardly ever got angry at anybody, and knew that deep down everybody had a good person they could choose to be.
A) I also had the strongest sturdiest faith in the entire world.
A) News of my church always made me happy and excited.
A) I hardly ever lied or made excuses and always gave 100% effort. As long as I'm sincere and doing my best of course any mistakes or short-comings will be forgiven.
Current Me
A) Now I can defend myself.
A) I don't roll over and play dead in a social situation.
A) I'm less lonely and more likely to understand what people really mean.
C) But I also gossip. Good and bad things, I never talk bad about someone to someone who would know them but honestly does that make it any less bad even if the person deserves it? (By that I mean they really did wrong me no matter how you look at it.)
C) I find myself actually putting up angry walls with people who I'm probably just misunderstanding or not communicating well enough with. I still believe that inside everyone is a good person, but I can't love them unconditionally like brothers and sisters anymore, friends and acquaintances is about all I can come up with.
F) Also, I don't get excited about my church anymore. Unless it's personal study or conference I don't like to discuss it.
F) I simple don't care to give 100%. I really wouldn't mind verbally sparing with someone who had anything to say about it. I have every excuse in the book to not go all out in the things I do. (I'm weak, I don't like it, I won't ever be that good, I haven't been practicing, Nobody will...etc.)
My realizations
1.) I've grown, but I've also regressed as a person. Most concerning, in honor.
2.) I've allowed excuses and my weakness to start to rule my life. Making me a dud. (Someone who simply exists because they do nothing while wishing they were doing something.)
3.) It's easy for me to choose paths that I already know will make me unhappy simply because I've done the same thing for so long...so why not? (Examples of pitiful behaviors: not exercising, having not one, not two, but five peanut butter bars, watching tv all day.)
4.) I really hate cycling between feeling close to, then far away from God. Always wondering how much of my belief is actual and how much is intellectual and cultural.
What this has to do with Conference?
The whole first session sounded like "repent and stop using excuses as a reason to not be your best. Why stay low when you know you can reach so much higher?" It also talked a lot about sacrifice. And I realized that my attitude was different about that now then it was when I was a teenager and it hadn't changed in a good way. Scary stuff. They're always telling us that knowing a truth and then sinning against it is worse than sinning without knowledge of it's spiritual damage.
So what does that say about me? Someone who keeps struggling in sincere prayer and scripture study, health and wellness, in just being a clean, good, honorable sort of person like my mom and dad? Ok, I know they aren't perfect either, but they don't sit back and say, well I have this excuse to not do that so I won't. They always felt bad when they couldn't serve or when they did something wrong and then they'd do something to make up for it. That's how in-tune I want to be with right and wrong.
But how to get there?
1.) Exercise my talents to plan and make goals.
2.) Do not expect to change all at once.
3.) Understand that changes are for all parts of my life no matter my circumstances or the situation. I am not one person at school and another at home. I've spent nine years like that and it's kind of exhausting. Plus it's depressing when you finally get a good habit going and lose it just because you move. What happens when I get a job, or get married. Start over again? Suddenly change into someone else? No. Rather not.
4.) I will no make excuses.
5.) I will stop thinking, "I don't want to be or become like that" and simply avoid those habits that make me depressed and think that I'm becoming those things in the first place.
I know that this sounds kind of familiar. But starting and then keeping goals is really hard and sometimes you just need to reboot. I always make myself depressed when I'm not following my goals and so this time my first objective is to prevent that kind of thought. Plus I think it'll be easier to change one habit a week than to talk about three issues every day.
How?
Using the seminary method. I'm going to make a calendar and each week I'm going to add a new habit to keep. Starting with the most simple and then moving to the more complex. I'm going to title each goal as "I want to..." Each goal with have the purpose of helping my self-esteem and improving over all health and wellness through establishing good habits. Each habit will serve as a defense from behaviors that I know will nudge me toward a bad mood, or self-pity and addiction relapse. Even just having a non-habit changing mini-goal a week would be fine.
SQUIRREL: I should sometime put in the areas of wellness I learned in my HS 131 class. But later, this blogs already long enough.
The hardest part is prioritizing. I want to do it all and be it all now. I don't want to wait. And the fact that I go back to school in two weeks frustrates me. Why? Because for some reason changes like that always mean a deadline in my mind even though part of this goal setting is that that kind of change is supposed to mean nothing. But I think "AH! I want to be doing that before I go back so blah-dee-blah-blah! Growl!
My Goals In Order (WARNING, it's a long list. The more specific the better. They will be listed in order of focus categories.)
I will follow the rule, add one habit per week. No deadlines. No excuses. No stressing.
(I know, you're wondering if that actually worked. The answer....)
(nope.)
1.) I want to...be clean. I will keep my room tidy.
2.) I want to...be fit. I will exercise at least 20 min in the morning six days a week.
3.) I want to...be spiritual. I will at least listen to the Word once a day.
4.) I want to...be nutritious. I will have only one snack a day.
5.) I want to...be productive. I will write for 15 minutes every day.
6.) I want to...be clean. I will not forgo any important part of daily hygiene.
7.) I want to...be fit. (Biggest Winner) I will exercises at least 3 days a week.
8.) I want to...be spiritual. I will practice one sincere prayer a day.
9.) I want to...be nutritious. I will learn to count calories.
10.) I want to...be productive. I will do something social
11.) I want to...be clean. I will keep my files, boxes, drawers, bags organized.
12.) I want to...be fit. I will start participating in/training for a fitness competition.
13.) I want to...be spiritual. I will attend institute.
14.) I want to...be nutritious. I will eat chocolate only once every two weeks.
15.) I want to...be productive. I will complete my homework/errands before seven pm.
16.) I want to...be clean. I will listen to wholesome music for 30 minutes a day.
17.) I want to...be fit. I will find my limits.
18.) I want to...be spiritual. I will do a focus study in the scriptures.
19.) I want to...be nutritious. I will learn to cook something new.
20.) I want to...be productive. I will only watch one hour of tv a day.
21.) I want to...be clean. I will remove (this kinda hurts right now, hopefully I'll be ready for it by this time.) anything that isn't virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy in my entertainment.
22.) I want to...be spiritual. I will do a focus study in the scriptures.
23.) I want to be...nutritious. I will not partake of foods that are not wholesome. Especially food/sweets that don't even taste that good. Word of Wisdom. NO MORE SEE-FOOD!
24.) I want to...be productive. I will actively prepare for the next day. Schedules/goals/training formats.
Ok, that's almost half a year so we'll see how this pans out. Patience. One week at a time. At least the timing for this is on my side. It's Sunday. The perfect day one for weekly goals.
I will update at least once a week. Probably on Sunday's where I'll report my progress and my new goals.
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