The Highs and the Lows

All life comes in circulating patterns.

I mainly use this blog as therapy to relieve pent up emotions and to help me positively work through issues.

Positively, because I get to practice my vocabulary and writing skills while at the same time venting about things that I might otherwise brood over and get emotionally sick from.

Somehow, just putting it out there, even if no one reads it, makes me feel better.

I try to write the good things as well as the bad. But I don't need the blog as much during the good times. I guess that's a good thing.

Things that have been happening lately.

1.) I've discovered the perfect formula for remembering dreams. Due to my work I wake up at 3:30, deliver papers, and I'm back in bed by 6 or 7. I don't remember dreams before this time, but during the second sleep cycle I don't think I go quite as deep as the first time. If I think over my dream and then write it down within the first ten minutes of waking up, I remember it with more clarity then if I tried to do this later. Basically, to remember your dreams, wake up all the way and then immediately go back to sleep again.

I'm using this as a method to get over my writers block. I swear, if I daydream about another grandfather leader having to save a granddaughter from a terrible evil scenario again I'll die. The scenario itself is entertaining. But unfortunately the premise belongs to someone else and I could only claim a fan-fiction piece at best.

2.) I'm now attending Jujitsu six days a week. It's a great way to get back into the art, especially since I don't have that much time to re-learn everything. I'll have to repeat the process next year, but that's the sacrifice of not attending a local college. It's a little annoying sometimes. The guys who've taken over the class are new to the area, they're my sensei's old students, but their methods are different. Where sensei taught that "as long as you get the job done I don't care" these guys are more precise. It can get under the skin a little, especially since I am a black belt. But it's good for me too. Still, sometimes I feel like a second class black belt and I can't help but justify it with my lack of practice. At least A, is fun to work with. I think I learn better from Mr. B. and Mr. E. better anyway. They've always been around and they're like my funny uncles so I guess it's understandable than trying to learn from the new guys Mr. C. and J.

3.) Remember the cycles thing? I'm going through quick cycles of eating complete crap and eating well. Hopefully this last experiment has put an end to that. Seriously, if you haven't had tortilla chips and cheese dip in a while, don't try to down half a bag in an afternoon. Your tummy will not thank you. If you happen to be an idiot and try it anyway. I suggest eating an apple. This service message has been brought to you by my loving dietetic sister who happened to give me a call at the right time.

4.) I finally got the green light to teach a wellness seminar to the RS girls. I think it'll be fun. It's a bit of a challenge, cause above sister often says things that make me feel inadequate to the task even though I've been teaching people how to move since I was sixteen. I want her help, but I don't want her doubting cloud. I think I'll rise to the task and surprise her with how well it goes.

5.) I've found out that yard work is almost as therapeutic as blogging.

6.) Just because it's raining I don't have to be depressed. As I've said, there's a part of me that hates the idea that my personal feelings have anything to do with star charts, ancestral spirits or the weather. It could be because I'm a recovering addict and I know what it's like to feel like you have no will power. But honestly, I think people themselves are more powerful than they ever give themselves credit for.

7.) New/Old Theory: Our opinions of others are almost entirely based upon how we think they view ourselves. Testing this theory through social interactions I have found it to be correct. If I go to meet a stranger with the firm belief that I'm a likable person, I will find them to be charming and wonderful people themselves. It's really fun actually.

I think that's everything. I know when school picks up its going to be harder to find blog time than now. Or should I said it's going to be harder to even think of blog time? Maybe that will be one of my many note card post reminders that I put on my wall every semester?

Random Theory I call the Pride and Prejudice Affect

"Peoples opinions of others are entirely based on how they believe those people view themselves."

Make sense?

Example 1. You know a woman who is remarkably well-dressed in a very modern sense and she is very pretty but never talks to you. You assume that because she never meets your eyes that she is proud, shallow, and believes you to be beneath her and if you are weak spirited you let this affect your opinion of yourself and overall happiness. When in reality she is merely shy, wishes to please, and has just as much social awkwardness as you do.

Example 2. Based on my first version of this thesis. I was a young teenager sitting in church and dreading that my hair wasn't doing exactly what I wanted it to. I assumed that everyone's good opinion was based upon the perfection of my hair and so judged myself accordingly. Therefore I was miserable and blamed everyone else for their judgements making me feel inadequate and felt doomed to always being second string and less than good enough so why bother trying so hard if it was only going to make me miserable? Luckily after that meeting I realized that I hadn't noticed what anyone else's hair was doing. Further, I couldn't even recall what anyone else looked like at all the Sunday before and realized that everyone must care about my appearance as much as I cared about theirs.

Conclusion of theory. One must always go about in good spirits and then they will recommend themselves to the good opinion of everybody regardless of station, looks, or choice of friends. The key is clear, confident, communication to avoid misunderstandings.

Making Goals and Keeping Goals are Two kinds of Sauces.

I'm fantastic at making goals. I love that moment of anticipation and excitement that comes with a well planned ...plan. (I hate repeating words, but that's what it is.)

I'm great at keeping plans that have a day's deadline. I'm horrible at keeping life-changing, everyday, all the time kind of goals. I get bored, I forget, or I simply fall into my rut of laziness and say, maybe next time.

I think the hardest point of doing something is the moment before. Like repelling off a cliff. Actually trusting the rope and your lifter to hold you can take about ten minutes of freaking out before you finally (if ever) let yourself sit back into the harness (or too far back so your head is pointing at the rocks below. Not that I have personal experience or anything, just saying.)

So, my moment before is actually getting dressed.

I now have a newspaper route that I wake up at 3:30am for and promptly go back to sleep after around 6:30. It's great. It gets me up and walking. I get the see the moon in all it's glory. I get some alone thinking time with nothing but me and the radio. I get to experience runny nose, chapped lips, creaky muscles, and cranky customers, but hey, it's a job.

After the second wake up it's not so easy. I either do one of two things. Watch tv all day. Go through my e-mail newsletters all day (those things pile up quick). Or do chores all day. I forget my goals of fitness and writing the most. Luckily, I am "thrifting" my clothes otherwise I'd think I was a complete wreck after my last post declaration.

I'm currently most worried about the fitness thing. My sister got me to sign up for a 5k next weekend and I'm totally not in shape for it after two months of virtual inactivity. Let's just say I won't be surprised if I walk most of it. I'm a great walker. And I've never liked running. The only reason why I'm running is because my sister looked disappointed when I said I couldn't run.

Why do I put other people's considerations before my own? It's the only reason why I think next Saturday is going to suck. My sister, brother-in-law and their friends are totally going to leave me in the dust. Even knowing this I'm not trying to get some running in because (A) a week is hardly long enough to train for a 5k and (B) I've never liked running. Ever. I'm a lifter, always have been. If I have to do cardio I'd rather bike or do an obstacle course. Running is boring and it's too easy for me to play depressing mind games with myself because I suddenly have all this time to think about nothing else.

I can still remember back in fourth grade when we had to run around a field for PE. I remember thinking that I was a pretty good runner. I wouldn't be in the front but I'd at least be in the forefront. Not. I soon despaired as kids past me by and the lead runner got a full half field ahead of me. I quit then and just walked. I do the same thing during "free runs" all through middle and high school. After all the term "free run" is very loosely applied. Since there is no time limit or finish line who cares if I'm running or walking?

I like blog therapy. It gives me a space to get all these old demons out.

I like fitness, I really do. I like being with people who are working towards the same goals. I like dancing, biking, lifting, and I'd probably like rock climbing if there was a wall around hear since I love bouldering. I love teaching about it and learning. I'm slowly learning how to be fit in my own life.

You know, maybe this is why I can never be a real fitness buff. I take other people's opinions too much into consideration. I'll never be "fit enough" for the runners, marathoners, or lifters. But I can still be fit. Interestingly enough I think this is why I wisely stayed out of fashion. Too many peoples opinions crammed into your skull can make you go crazy.

I do enjoy my occasional day of laziness. But I think I do want to get up and go run sometimes. Even if it's for a short time. Honestly, I prefer Zumba. If there was a last Zumba girl standing competition, I would totally dominate.

As for writing. I just have a block. All my ideas are fan-fiction. Maybe I could blame this on watching too much tv? I just need to take time to sit down and free write one of these days.

I dreamed about school last night. I think I'm really missing it. Oddly enough I also keep dreaming about guys. This is a new development for me. I never dream about guys. I always dream about sunken cities, ancient ruins, and Chinese mafia. Not love triangles, awkward meetings or kissing. What is this? True I'm almost 22 and I'm long over-due for having these kinds of dreams according to the current statistics. But seriously? What's going on? I miss my adventure dreams.

I almost had one this morning. I was with my Grandpa and we were exploring some terra formations via helicopter and hiking. There was a gold stream only he knew how to find. For some reason Grandpa kept changing into Dad and back to Grandpa. No mystery there, they both always loved to explore the wilderness. It's a family legacy thing. Grandpa was even consulted by the park service when their maps became outdated. The only other details from the dream that I remember are that everyone seemed to think Grandpa was crazy and I was all excited to ask him about this mysterious gold vine and grateful that I could still ask him about stuff like that, but then my more conscious self remembered that he died last year.

And that's when a typical adventure dream turned back into one of my weirder guy dreams. You'd think I'd have some control over my dream self, but believe me, I don't. I've tried for years and whatever I plan to dream when I fall asleep never happens. Usually I'll get something much better.

All this being said. Today's goal is to get some yard work done since it's a nice-ish day. I should get some chores done since the end of the week is getting closer. And maybe I'll run on the Wii.