My goal this last week was to be trained. So my roommate and I have been waking up at 6 every morning to go to the gym and sweat a little. It's been awesome.
This weeks spiritual goal was to attend institute. But school ends in two weeks so that goal seems a bit pointless. So instead, I'm going to do an act of service everyday.
Last week was super tough. Partially because it was that time of the month, but really I was just out of control. I was supposed to work on and finish a research paper Saturday, but instead I watched some stupid YouTube video game recording with background gamer commentary. Funny, but pointless. I felt like I'd slipped back into old habits of ignore, neglect, and despair.
Then on Sunday I felt terrible because a guy hadn't shown up to church for the second week in a row. I thought it was because in another bout of passion I'd had two weeks prior I'd sent him a letter that scared him from church. I didn't mean to make him run away! The letter was just a comment on his awesomeness and my admiration. No attacks. No love poetry, just compliments. Bishop assured me he was only delayed in Utah over the weekend because he was in a mud race.
Monday I had another freakout because we were doing resumes. I hate job hunting. I feel like I'm putting myself out there for the world to judge my soul. Really, I'm just scared that someone will call me out on my fears. That they'll tell me that I'm not a hard worker, not good enough, and lazy person who would never be worth the time of day.
I cried about it and my roommates held a pep talk pow-wow for me to tell me how awesome and sweet and kind I am and to stop beating myself up. These guys are so amazing. For days after the pow-wow they kept coming up to me to give me words of encouragement and affection. Seriously, love my roommates.
But all the words in the world mean nothing if I don't internalize them. I reminded myself of the counsel that Bishop Thompson gave me before I left home. To not stress about the future and to just concentrate on finishing the major I have now. Doors will open. I don't have to know what I want to be right this second.
Then in my British Literature class we talked about Paradise Lost and Theodicy. The discussion we had inspired me. This is what I wrote in my notebook. "I've been praying to see the future. I should have been praying to be offered good paths to walk on. To have doors open. I'll do my best to prepare for those doors, but I know it's God who guide's me to them."
Over the years I've had insights that led to this insight. First, that God is in control and I know he'll lead good men my way when I'm ready and I'll be able to choose among them. Second, there is more than one way to skin a cat. There are many good paths to lead lives that are pleasing to God. We don't have to be cookie cutter to be righteous or successful. So, as far as relationships, I was reminded that God will lead a good man my way when I'm ready. As far as future career, He doesn't care what I do specifically as long as it doesn't get in the way of the eternal perspective. There are hundreds of jobs I could take that are like that.
A bit of sad news.
I did relapse. I was doing really well. I had felt a healing power deep within that helped me turn away from temptations. But after last weekend I succumb to old habits and turned to the habit I knew gave instant gratification. It's now ten times harder to say no. A few days ago I was disgusted with myself over the desire. Today I searched for it. I think I've officially discovered what it's like for an alcoholic to walk into a bar and have a drop fall into his mouth. It's ok though. I'm continuing forward, reminding myself that I can do this with the Lord's help and that I can get back to where I was.
I just have to be a little patient.
This morning, the fourth of July, I gave my roommate Sarah some advice that I think I can use for my talk on Sunday. Its just stuff that I do naturally but don't really put into words.
She was beating herself up because our other roommate was passing out Jimmy Johns in the parade and our roommates were going to see her. She has a really bad habit of making herself miserable over things that aren't her fault. We talked about knowing whats in our control and not in our control. She couldn't have known that Brittany was in the parade because she hadn't told anybody until last night when we were walking by some people setting up chairs. Sarah hadn't been part of the group so she couldn't have known. Second, she didn't find out until it was time to leave, obviously Brittany didn't think it was that big of a deal so her worry about not being supportive of her was invalid.
So here are the steps.
1.) Identify what was/is within the range of your control
2.) Know the facts. What really happened apart from the emotion.
3.) Make a plan to avoid the self-depreciating feeling in the future.
I don't know what she'll do for step three, but it was a good talk. I'm proud of her. I'm proud of me too. Two years ago I would have avoided her tears like the plague and just wait for her to get over it because I would honestly be afraid of her yelling at me and hating me. But now I see that I can talk to people about stuff like this without being harassed. It's a good thing to know.
