I couldn't understand why people arguing with me about my own life made me so angry. It wasn't like the path I had chosen was wrong...or was it?
I had done the research. I had weighed those pros and cons that were important to me. The life I was choosing seemed like the best one out there. Then my mom brought up a good point and we did some facts and figures. This is why I always run my plans by other people. Not because I like to hear myself talk about me, I do know how to listen to others, but because two or six heads is always better than one.
Cost of Living (You can skip the section if you don't want the details. Just know that I could afford just me, but without much hope of any kind of savings and I'd have to wear out my body to do it.)
I didn't look at the numbers beyond what the average trainer made and about 30,000 seemed like a good enough sum for a single person who might want to rent an apartment or get a car.
Here's the actual break-down for a working single person living in a one-bedroom apartment for a month.
Needs Per Month
Rent ~ 600
Food ~ 120
Internet ~ 30
Clothes ~ 30
Supplies ~ 30
Bike ~ 20
Unknown Expenses ~ 100
Total ~ 950/month
Wants Per Month
Movies ~ 10
Take Out ~ 20
Unknown ~ 50
Service Projects ~ 20
Car
- gas ~ 140
- insurance ~ ~ ~ 120
- car wash ~ 10
Total 370
Grand Total = 1,320/month
Which means my costs will be at least 15,840/year. Still not bad on a 30,000/year income. Until mom pointed out the difference between gross and net and that my costs were listed without taxes and I hadn't considered cell bills or other expenses like that. So basically we had to double the figures.
To live I would have to earn between 26,160 or 32,000 per year.
Again, not difficult. That was the basic earning anyway. Not much elbow room for savings, but I could still do it, so I told myself...until I decided to research how much work I'd have to do in order to earn 30,000 as a trainer.
Trainers Pay
To do this I took actual figures from different health clubs. These results are not typical since they do vary by location and trainer experience. This is only research done from the perspective of being a gym employee since that's how I had chosen to get started.
Earnings per hour for personal training/Earnings per hour class instruction
Golds Gym
16~25/na
YMCA
10~18/8~30
24-hour Fitness
8~24/18~25
Curves
9~10/7~10
Lifetime Fitness
21~26/na
If I were to use my earlier research I can calculate how much I need to earn at each facility per week to make my yearly needs.
26,160 = 503.08 per week 32,000 = 615.38 per week
For the sake of reading space if I were to earn the average pay I'd have to be sweating in the gym anywhere from 25-50 hours a week. From what I know about body physiology that's a lot of stress and strain on a body that still needs time to get that fit. I'd be a worn out body by...well, I guess my 30's and 40's since there a dramatic drop around there of people who personally train for a living.
But That's Irrelevant Compared to this Deciding Factor
I'm religious and I believe that you can get down on your knees and ask God about life and receive answers. Of course he doesn't always answer because more often than not you've chosen a good path anyway and the answer come more as a spiritual shrug and a "it's up to you" kind of feeling. Rarely do I get specific answers to my questions. In fact, if I do all the research first I'm more likely to get a "well, sure that's one good path" or better "yeah, that'll work, go for it," kind of answers. He wants us to choose good paths, after that, I don't think he cares too much about the details of which good path we take.
Which is what I expected about four months ago when I brought this plan to Him. I was shocked at how wrong this felt. It was like someone had opened up my chest and put a worm-hole inside it.
As someone who is rarely told spiritually "no" my reaction was understandable.
WHY NOT!!!?!!???!!!!?!???!??!??!
I've done the research. It's something that I would enjoy that would still allow me to be a mom. What's wrong with this picture? (Course now that I think about it this whole experience is a small confirmation that it's not the research that produces the feelings of yes or no. I had really really wanted to be a personal trainer.)
Course, if it's rare to get such absolute answers it's even rarer to receive an explanation. But I'm sure it has nothing to do with the financial situation, but a spiritual one. Something in this job description isn't good for my soul. Not everyone's, just mine. It was a path that would lead me the wrong way. And I may never know the what, how, or why of it.
It's a testament to how stubborn I could be though. I managed to push this answer to the back-burner for four months and felt like Martin Harris whenever I checked up on it.
Needless to say I've been kind of spiraling after this. I like having a plan, and having no plan about how I can become independent after I graduate college made me very nervous.
Stay tuned for part 2: The Refiners Fire
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Risk Taker. A Declaration of Independence and the Right to Fail
I've never really considered myself much of a risk taker. It's what I've been told, but I prefer to think of myself as a strategic planner for the purpose of creating a maximum experience in the safest way possible. Yeah, risk taker is much easier to say.
I really don't know why people think I'm so...risky. Maybe it's because random tree logs suspended on hiking trails always beg me to walk on them? Or maybe it's because I don't like to follow usual paths? (ex: choosing a different university than the rest of my family.) It's not that these paths are any more or less dangerous than usual paths, they're just different, sometimes completely uncharted. I always try to think of and prepare for every possibility that could go wrong before trying a new scheme so I don't see why some people have to make a fuss. Just because it hasn't been done before by someone we know and it doesn't have a predictable outcome doesn't mean it's a bad path.
Let me explain. See, I'm at that point in my life where there are going to be some big changes. Changes that will carry some potentially long term consequences. And I have a lot of people who love me who are afraid that I'm going to fail.
It's not that I don't appreciate their concern. Sometimes they can come up with points or questions that I haven't answered yet, unfortunately these helpful tidbits are usually delivered with worried tones and sad faces never fail to stress me out! (Only because I know I still have a long way to go to make this happen. Looking at the top of the mountain is so much harder than looking five feet in front of you when you're hiking.)
Ok, I know that being a personal trainer and a creative writer aren't exactly the most lucrative careers I could choose in life. I get where the concern is. But they're the best of the few careers I can think of that I wouldn't get bored with or hate. I've looked into the big buck type of careers and guess what, THEY'RE BORING! Stuffy offices full of people doing the same thing day in and day out and everyone is yawning by noon because they're sitting on their butts creating things that you can't even touch. Don't get me wrong, for some people the safety and security of such careers is great. Everything is straight forward and you'd have to mess up majorly to get fired. But it's not for me. I've tried the majors that lead to these careers, they're way too stressful for me. (Maybe because I have a hard time understanding the abstract?) A less guaranteed life plan comes with it's own stress, but it's a stress that I've chosen.
I had a few points I wanted to be able to hit for my adult job. First and foremost, I wanted to be able to enjoy my career and work with people. If I work by myself, I'll fall into a personal coma. Guaranteed, it's happened before. No one wants a mom or spouse like that. Second, I wanted to be able to take time off for family if I needed to. (i.e. maternity leave, or summers off, or hours confined to school times, or in a best case scenario where I could set my own hours so I'd be able to be there for my kids if I needed to.)
Creative Writing is just something that I've always liked to do and would always be a sub-income if it became an income at all. Personal Training was something I've stumbled on while checking out the big buck careers. I'm not the poster child for personal fitness yet, but I do like the idea of personal health and wellness and I like the buzz you get after a good workout in the gym. It's more stable than wood or metal work. And it allows for creative elbow room to devise newer and better solutions to everyday foreseeable problems. Furthermore, I can understand body science because we've developed the tech that allows me to see all the micro-organisms at work. And it's kind of fun feeling bones with all their little bulges and grooves in Anatomy classes.
It's not a wealthy career, but an ok one for a single adult to afford food, a modest apartment, and maybe a small car after a while if I need it. I never intended to become the main provider for my future family and I also will never divorce. I can hear the nay sayers "but divorce is so common today, you can't possibly expect to still be married to the same person 40 years down the road, you have no control over what the man wants."
To them I say, firstly, so what? The rest of the world can do as it pleases, I'm not getting divorced. Why can't I expect to marry someone in my twenties and still be married to them when I die? It's happened before and still happening to a lot of good people that I love that were born after the 50's. I also happen to be a good person and intend to marry a good man who holds the same time tested "old-fashioned" family principles that I do. Do I have control over what he wants? Of course not, that's probably what I'll like best about him. Sometimes helping someone else achieve their dreams is more fun than going for your own. So Plffff.
Besides, it's not like personal training doesn't have any kind of advancement. I could accumulate a few classes. I know I'll have at least one, teaching martial arts. And I have the kind of creative mind that some businesses admire so I could advance to a management type of position within a gym. I don't plan on training free-lance, that would be too risky for my taste, I prefer being in a partnership with a gym. After I get a feel for the business who knows where I'll end up. I know of people who start their own gyms with modest equipment in warehouses so I could end up there for all I know.
Not saying that's what I'll do, but this field is hardly limited. There's the possibility of going into competitive sports with a CSCS certificate. Personal Training is a growing industry with many types of things to learn, try, and teach with newer methods being born every year. Plus, the more I learn about the human body the more theories I can develop for myself about how to give anybody the most well functioning body they could possibly want. It's the kind of versatile creative active work environment I was looking for when I was choosing a career in the first place.
In short
Positives: gym employee
Fairly steady position
Decent Pay
Potential Health Benefits (depends on employer)
Creative/Active work environment
Possible travel options for further training
Little to no gender gap in salary pay
Negatives
Low pay (possible poverty level if I'm not careful)
Probably wouldn't be able to support more than one person at first.
I'm not a poster-child (yet)
It's a competitive but growing field
Possible travel requirements for further training $$$
I will have to take tests every so often to keep any certificates I earn
What I know for sure
Average pay for Personal Training
First of all this will be influenced by many factors including: location, experience, number of certificates, whether I'm a consultant (free-lance) or an employee (loyal poster girl for a gym), if I work at a gym/club/or corporation, if I have a college degree (which I will), if I'm specifically certified for special needs.
No matter what site I visit, the range seems to be between 20,000 and 60,000 a year with the stipulation that owning your own place could gross 120,000 and selling products 150,000. Of course, that would also come with the cost of running a building (basically a second house...a large house) and buying materials for the products.
http://www.starting-a-personal-training-business.com/personal-trainer-average-salary.html
So in the end, how much I make is largely determined by how much I charge and how well I conduct myself with my clients. It's completely unpredictable. I think this is what scares my loved ones the most. Just have faith that I'll do the work, because if I do the work I'll be able to pay my bills and save some too. Besides, as you all tell me all the time, I'm a pretty likeable person.
In case you're not convinced here's some more precise data courtesy of swz.salary.com
I know, cities charge more but as you'll see the shift is barely noticeable because of all the factors that play into the salary. For the sake of consistency I will stick with large cities.
Idaho (Boise)
Min = 24,000 Max = 71,000 Median = 49,000
In other states I might live
Washington (Seattle, because Olympia isn't an option)
Min = 28,000 Max = 84,000 Median = 58,000
Oregon (Salem)
Min = 24,000 Max = 74,000 Median = 52,000
Montana (Billings)
Min = 23.000 Max = 66,000 Median = 46,000
Utah
Min = 25,000 Max = 74,000 Median = 51,000
Alaska (Anchorage)
Min = 30,000 Max = 60,000 Median = 60,000
And just for the sake of argument
North Carolina (Raleigh)
Min = 26,000 Max = 76,000 Median = 53,000
California (Los Angeles = data probably does not include Hollywood and they'd want models to train them anyway.)
Min = 28,000 Max = 83,000 Median = 58,000
What does this data tell me? I can live just about anywhere I want and still earn about the same amount of cash.
What It's Going to Take
Lots of energy, commitment, and ethical resolve. When you train, especially a class, you exert more energy than your clients. I've been taking mental notes during aerobics classes, if the trainer lags, everyone lags. In the case of Zumba type classes all the movements must be big and/or dynamic for anyone to feel like they're getting a workout. If they don't feel it or train too hard, they won't come back and you'll lose clients and money. Simple as that.
Your own body becomes an advertising board. I realize this the second greatest concern with my loved ones. I'm not tight, but I am fit, and I know I impress people when I show them how long I can last in a gym. Sometimes I feel like I can go for even longer. But I have to be consistent with myself if I expect consistency from my clients. Also, I may be tempted to ignore my religions modesty requirements in order to gain new clients through showing off my body, but more likely not since that's basically being a gym whore which I am ethically against. If I do the skimpy gym clothes not only will I feel awkward but my message to the world will be, train with me and you'll look hot naked. When my real philosophy is that it doesn't matter what you look like in the end so long as you can move the way you want to when you want to and you feel good about yourself.
Anyway
In the end what I care about is doing what I love even if it's not that secure. Some of my greatest heroes and role models were people who took a chance at something that seemed impossible, and made it, especially after a few failed attempts. Thomas Edison, George Washington, Glenn Beck, Bethany Hamilton, Mother Theresa, Joseph Smith, and so many others. I'm not saying I'm going to revolutionize the fitness industry, I'm not that loud of a person. But if I can combat this wave of lies that tell you to "train in order to become someone else" and replace it with the idea of "loving yourself and taking care of yourself because you're amazing and deserve to be taken care of," if even only a handful of people get this message, then I will be satisfied.
It's not about the money. It's about what I believe in. Which is working with people and helping them to love themselves and become a little better everyday. That, to me, is the ultimate service.
So, thank you for all your worries and concerns about my future. I have, and will continue, to take them all into loving consideration. But this is my life. I'm not jumping into this blindly. I know it's going to be hard. No life is easy, but that's what makes life such an adventure. Repeating already hashed worries is simply pointless. So please respect my decision and allow me to fail with dignity if that is my fate or thrive with the success I will earn from hard work.
I really don't know why people think I'm so...risky. Maybe it's because random tree logs suspended on hiking trails always beg me to walk on them? Or maybe it's because I don't like to follow usual paths? (ex: choosing a different university than the rest of my family.) It's not that these paths are any more or less dangerous than usual paths, they're just different, sometimes completely uncharted. I always try to think of and prepare for every possibility that could go wrong before trying a new scheme so I don't see why some people have to make a fuss. Just because it hasn't been done before by someone we know and it doesn't have a predictable outcome doesn't mean it's a bad path.
Let me explain. See, I'm at that point in my life where there are going to be some big changes. Changes that will carry some potentially long term consequences. And I have a lot of people who love me who are afraid that I'm going to fail.
It's not that I don't appreciate their concern. Sometimes they can come up with points or questions that I haven't answered yet, unfortunately these helpful tidbits are usually delivered with worried tones and sad faces never fail to stress me out! (Only because I know I still have a long way to go to make this happen. Looking at the top of the mountain is so much harder than looking five feet in front of you when you're hiking.)
Ok, I know that being a personal trainer and a creative writer aren't exactly the most lucrative careers I could choose in life. I get where the concern is. But they're the best of the few careers I can think of that I wouldn't get bored with or hate. I've looked into the big buck type of careers and guess what, THEY'RE BORING! Stuffy offices full of people doing the same thing day in and day out and everyone is yawning by noon because they're sitting on their butts creating things that you can't even touch. Don't get me wrong, for some people the safety and security of such careers is great. Everything is straight forward and you'd have to mess up majorly to get fired. But it's not for me. I've tried the majors that lead to these careers, they're way too stressful for me. (Maybe because I have a hard time understanding the abstract?) A less guaranteed life plan comes with it's own stress, but it's a stress that I've chosen.
I had a few points I wanted to be able to hit for my adult job. First and foremost, I wanted to be able to enjoy my career and work with people. If I work by myself, I'll fall into a personal coma. Guaranteed, it's happened before. No one wants a mom or spouse like that. Second, I wanted to be able to take time off for family if I needed to. (i.e. maternity leave, or summers off, or hours confined to school times, or in a best case scenario where I could set my own hours so I'd be able to be there for my kids if I needed to.)
Creative Writing is just something that I've always liked to do and would always be a sub-income if it became an income at all. Personal Training was something I've stumbled on while checking out the big buck careers. I'm not the poster child for personal fitness yet, but I do like the idea of personal health and wellness and I like the buzz you get after a good workout in the gym. It's more stable than wood or metal work. And it allows for creative elbow room to devise newer and better solutions to everyday foreseeable problems. Furthermore, I can understand body science because we've developed the tech that allows me to see all the micro-organisms at work. And it's kind of fun feeling bones with all their little bulges and grooves in Anatomy classes.
It's not a wealthy career, but an ok one for a single adult to afford food, a modest apartment, and maybe a small car after a while if I need it. I never intended to become the main provider for my future family and I also will never divorce. I can hear the nay sayers "but divorce is so common today, you can't possibly expect to still be married to the same person 40 years down the road, you have no control over what the man wants."
To them I say, firstly, so what? The rest of the world can do as it pleases, I'm not getting divorced. Why can't I expect to marry someone in my twenties and still be married to them when I die? It's happened before and still happening to a lot of good people that I love that were born after the 50's. I also happen to be a good person and intend to marry a good man who holds the same time tested "old-fashioned" family principles that I do. Do I have control over what he wants? Of course not, that's probably what I'll like best about him. Sometimes helping someone else achieve their dreams is more fun than going for your own. So Plffff.
Besides, it's not like personal training doesn't have any kind of advancement. I could accumulate a few classes. I know I'll have at least one, teaching martial arts. And I have the kind of creative mind that some businesses admire so I could advance to a management type of position within a gym. I don't plan on training free-lance, that would be too risky for my taste, I prefer being in a partnership with a gym. After I get a feel for the business who knows where I'll end up. I know of people who start their own gyms with modest equipment in warehouses so I could end up there for all I know.
Not saying that's what I'll do, but this field is hardly limited. There's the possibility of going into competitive sports with a CSCS certificate. Personal Training is a growing industry with many types of things to learn, try, and teach with newer methods being born every year. Plus, the more I learn about the human body the more theories I can develop for myself about how to give anybody the most well functioning body they could possibly want. It's the kind of versatile creative active work environment I was looking for when I was choosing a career in the first place.
In short
Positives: gym employee
Fairly steady position
Decent Pay
Potential Health Benefits (depends on employer)
Creative/Active work environment
Possible travel options for further training
Little to no gender gap in salary pay
Negatives
Low pay (possible poverty level if I'm not careful)
Probably wouldn't be able to support more than one person at first.
I'm not a poster-child (yet)
It's a competitive but growing field
Possible travel requirements for further training $$$
I will have to take tests every so often to keep any certificates I earn
What I know for sure
Average pay for Personal Training
First of all this will be influenced by many factors including: location, experience, number of certificates, whether I'm a consultant (free-lance) or an employee (loyal poster girl for a gym), if I work at a gym/club/or corporation, if I have a college degree (which I will), if I'm specifically certified for special needs.
No matter what site I visit, the range seems to be between 20,000 and 60,000 a year with the stipulation that owning your own place could gross 120,000 and selling products 150,000. Of course, that would also come with the cost of running a building (basically a second house...a large house) and buying materials for the products.
http://www.starting-a-personal-training-business.com/personal-trainer-average-salary.html
So in the end, how much I make is largely determined by how much I charge and how well I conduct myself with my clients. It's completely unpredictable. I think this is what scares my loved ones the most. Just have faith that I'll do the work, because if I do the work I'll be able to pay my bills and save some too. Besides, as you all tell me all the time, I'm a pretty likeable person.
In case you're not convinced here's some more precise data courtesy of swz.salary.com
I know, cities charge more but as you'll see the shift is barely noticeable because of all the factors that play into the salary. For the sake of consistency I will stick with large cities.
Idaho (Boise)
Min = 24,000 Max = 71,000 Median = 49,000
In other states I might live
Washington (Seattle, because Olympia isn't an option)
Min = 28,000 Max = 84,000 Median = 58,000
Oregon (Salem)
Min = 24,000 Max = 74,000 Median = 52,000
Montana (Billings)
Min = 23.000 Max = 66,000 Median = 46,000
Utah
Min = 25,000 Max = 74,000 Median = 51,000
Alaska (Anchorage)
Min = 30,000 Max = 60,000 Median = 60,000
And just for the sake of argument
North Carolina (Raleigh)
Min = 26,000 Max = 76,000 Median = 53,000
California (Los Angeles = data probably does not include Hollywood and they'd want models to train them anyway.)
Min = 28,000 Max = 83,000 Median = 58,000
What does this data tell me? I can live just about anywhere I want and still earn about the same amount of cash.
What It's Going to Take
Lots of energy, commitment, and ethical resolve. When you train, especially a class, you exert more energy than your clients. I've been taking mental notes during aerobics classes, if the trainer lags, everyone lags. In the case of Zumba type classes all the movements must be big and/or dynamic for anyone to feel like they're getting a workout. If they don't feel it or train too hard, they won't come back and you'll lose clients and money. Simple as that.
Your own body becomes an advertising board. I realize this the second greatest concern with my loved ones. I'm not tight, but I am fit, and I know I impress people when I show them how long I can last in a gym. Sometimes I feel like I can go for even longer. But I have to be consistent with myself if I expect consistency from my clients. Also, I may be tempted to ignore my religions modesty requirements in order to gain new clients through showing off my body, but more likely not since that's basically being a gym whore which I am ethically against. If I do the skimpy gym clothes not only will I feel awkward but my message to the world will be, train with me and you'll look hot naked. When my real philosophy is that it doesn't matter what you look like in the end so long as you can move the way you want to when you want to and you feel good about yourself.
Anyway
In the end what I care about is doing what I love even if it's not that secure. Some of my greatest heroes and role models were people who took a chance at something that seemed impossible, and made it, especially after a few failed attempts. Thomas Edison, George Washington, Glenn Beck, Bethany Hamilton, Mother Theresa, Joseph Smith, and so many others. I'm not saying I'm going to revolutionize the fitness industry, I'm not that loud of a person. But if I can combat this wave of lies that tell you to "train in order to become someone else" and replace it with the idea of "loving yourself and taking care of yourself because you're amazing and deserve to be taken care of," if even only a handful of people get this message, then I will be satisfied.
It's not about the money. It's about what I believe in. Which is working with people and helping them to love themselves and become a little better everyday. That, to me, is the ultimate service.
So, thank you for all your worries and concerns about my future. I have, and will continue, to take them all into loving consideration. But this is my life. I'm not jumping into this blindly. I know it's going to be hard. No life is easy, but that's what makes life such an adventure. Repeating already hashed worries is simply pointless. So please respect my decision and allow me to fail with dignity if that is my fate or thrive with the success I will earn from hard work.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Goal Revisions and New Horizons
So I've decided to change up a few things. Mainly because I won't get better if I hold to the comfort of "I'm a messed up kid, pity me! I failed because (insert excuse because pitied kids can blame anything and get away with it. I aught to know.")
So I'm making this a bit simpler. The title will remind me of the over-all year goal to take each day and make it a little bit better than the last. This blog will become more of a journal. I will record my goals and accomplishments, hopes and fears, thoughts and inspirations as they hit me.
Life is a wonderful collage of good and bad things and to merely focus on one or the other is to assume a state of blindness. Life is integrated and colorful and so much deeper than any single facet can really show.
So, for better or worse, here we go.
On Sunday I reacquainted myself with some gentlemen I knew and met a new one I didn't. It was a good experience and sorry, there isn't much more to say than that. I'm always nervous when I meet new people because I know that unless we talk for at least ten minutes and then meet up again later that week I'll forget that we've even met. I feel insulting when someone comes up to me, who obviously recognizes me, but I haven't the slightest clue that we've even met before. If I haven't seen you for years and we used to be acquaintances, sorry, no idea who you are. It's not that you aren't an important person. It's just that you weren't very important to me for some reason and didn't get saved into my long term memory banks. I might recognize your face, or your name, but not together. It's one of my weaknesses. And it's really sad when it happens to my own relatives.
I've been having trouble staying up all hours and waking up in the middle of the day. I know that's supposed to be normal for people my age when they're on break, but not for me. I used to rarely sleep in much past 8. I always feel more energetic if I can get up around 7. Yet the allure of warm sheets and dark windows makes it really difficult to sacrifice simple comfort for more energy. Yesterday I had a cold and ended up sleeping until 12. Today I had to pray myself out of bed to avoid a repeat performance. And yes, I did mean pray. Sometimes simple little hard things need divine intervention. Another of my weaknesses is that I sometimes forget that asking for help is an option. In this case, practice is good.
In other news, I ran at a 5.0 speed for ten minutes straight without so much as breaking a sweat. And I impressed people at the gym with my weight lifting skills. The gym can be one of two things. A wonderful haven where like-minded people gather for the purpose of good health. Or a miserable hell where you're always straightening your shirt/shorts, tying your shoelaces and checking the mirror to see if anyone's watching.
I'm not a huge girl. But I'm fluffy. I carry most of my weight in my belly and back, but I have sweet legs (thanks mom) and stocky upper arms (which are starting to show their muscle tone, but still have a way to go by appearance. Not too much by feel though. *Flex* Feel the awesome power! Go ahead, touch it! I dare you!)
Anyway, the point is I don't look like the fitness buff that I'm becoming. At school you have to wear a uniform to use the gym so I just don't worry about it. It wasn't until Monday that I realized that I have absolutely nothing to wear (a.k.a. something sporty and classy) to the gym. So I walked into that gym in a shirt that was tighter than I would have liked because it tucked around my belly and shorts that had paint splattered all over it.
Was I self-conscious. Well if you add wardrobe to the fact I hadn't visited a gym for about four weeks then yes I was nervous. But I have holiday weight, and I knew how to use the place so I did. You know, all that self-conscious aura is just completely swept away in the power and awe of a body that obviously knows how to use a gym. It didn't matter that I'm a little fluffy and paint splattered. I could clean like an Olympian! Did that feel good? Oh yes.
Keeping the house clean and trying to find things to occupy my life with is becoming a routine. So far, I've worked on a novel, deep cleaned (white gloved) three rooms, made some headbands and a pillow case, and watched more tv than I care to admit. Oh, and made a new blog.
Let the adventures begin.
PS: I'm totally keeping the 5 good things about myself section though. Cause let's be honest, not many people take time to think of the redeeming qualities that they have.
PPS: I'll probably limit this blog to just once a week updates because once school starts again, Sunday updates is all I can guarantee.
5 Things I like about being me
I'm creative
I love and give loyalty easily
I always try to see the best side of a person/situation to the point where some may call it a fault
I'm patient with people who have issues (which is like the whole world, but it's different when you actually know what the issues are)
I know good quality music or a solid argument when I hear it.
Ok, fine, maybe I will keep the sections, but I might make them more interesting in the future and allow myself more elbow room than just short paragraphs.
So I'm making this a bit simpler. The title will remind me of the over-all year goal to take each day and make it a little bit better than the last. This blog will become more of a journal. I will record my goals and accomplishments, hopes and fears, thoughts and inspirations as they hit me.
Life is a wonderful collage of good and bad things and to merely focus on one or the other is to assume a state of blindness. Life is integrated and colorful and so much deeper than any single facet can really show.
So, for better or worse, here we go.
On Sunday I reacquainted myself with some gentlemen I knew and met a new one I didn't. It was a good experience and sorry, there isn't much more to say than that. I'm always nervous when I meet new people because I know that unless we talk for at least ten minutes and then meet up again later that week I'll forget that we've even met. I feel insulting when someone comes up to me, who obviously recognizes me, but I haven't the slightest clue that we've even met before. If I haven't seen you for years and we used to be acquaintances, sorry, no idea who you are. It's not that you aren't an important person. It's just that you weren't very important to me for some reason and didn't get saved into my long term memory banks. I might recognize your face, or your name, but not together. It's one of my weaknesses. And it's really sad when it happens to my own relatives.
I've been having trouble staying up all hours and waking up in the middle of the day. I know that's supposed to be normal for people my age when they're on break, but not for me. I used to rarely sleep in much past 8. I always feel more energetic if I can get up around 7. Yet the allure of warm sheets and dark windows makes it really difficult to sacrifice simple comfort for more energy. Yesterday I had a cold and ended up sleeping until 12. Today I had to pray myself out of bed to avoid a repeat performance. And yes, I did mean pray. Sometimes simple little hard things need divine intervention. Another of my weaknesses is that I sometimes forget that asking for help is an option. In this case, practice is good.
In other news, I ran at a 5.0 speed for ten minutes straight without so much as breaking a sweat. And I impressed people at the gym with my weight lifting skills. The gym can be one of two things. A wonderful haven where like-minded people gather for the purpose of good health. Or a miserable hell where you're always straightening your shirt/shorts, tying your shoelaces and checking the mirror to see if anyone's watching.
I'm not a huge girl. But I'm fluffy. I carry most of my weight in my belly and back, but I have sweet legs (thanks mom) and stocky upper arms (which are starting to show their muscle tone, but still have a way to go by appearance. Not too much by feel though. *Flex* Feel the awesome power! Go ahead, touch it! I dare you!)
Anyway, the point is I don't look like the fitness buff that I'm becoming. At school you have to wear a uniform to use the gym so I just don't worry about it. It wasn't until Monday that I realized that I have absolutely nothing to wear (a.k.a. something sporty and classy) to the gym. So I walked into that gym in a shirt that was tighter than I would have liked because it tucked around my belly and shorts that had paint splattered all over it.
Was I self-conscious. Well if you add wardrobe to the fact I hadn't visited a gym for about four weeks then yes I was nervous. But I have holiday weight, and I knew how to use the place so I did. You know, all that self-conscious aura is just completely swept away in the power and awe of a body that obviously knows how to use a gym. It didn't matter that I'm a little fluffy and paint splattered. I could clean like an Olympian! Did that feel good? Oh yes.
Keeping the house clean and trying to find things to occupy my life with is becoming a routine. So far, I've worked on a novel, deep cleaned (white gloved) three rooms, made some headbands and a pillow case, and watched more tv than I care to admit. Oh, and made a new blog.
Let the adventures begin.
PS: I'm totally keeping the 5 good things about myself section though. Cause let's be honest, not many people take time to think of the redeeming qualities that they have.
PPS: I'll probably limit this blog to just once a week updates because once school starts again, Sunday updates is all I can guarantee.
5 Things I like about being me
I'm creative
I love and give loyalty easily
I always try to see the best side of a person/situation to the point where some may call it a fault
I'm patient with people who have issues (which is like the whole world, but it's different when you actually know what the issues are)
I know good quality music or a solid argument when I hear it.
Ok, fine, maybe I will keep the sections, but I might make them more interesting in the future and allow myself more elbow room than just short paragraphs.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Day Three. Still Strong
Daily Summary
Yet another lovely day at home while the rain pitter-patters outside. It's been a very odd winter, it hasn't even gotten very cold. I woke up late because I staid up till 3 the night before watching my current favorite BBC, Doctor Who. It's a very clever show that I'm watching out of order. My brother-in-law introduced the show to me when the eleventh doctor was just getting started and so far he's my favorite. I caught up on some news. Tidied the kitchen. Watched my niece and re-evaluated my graduation plan with two goals.
No over-loading.
And try to get at least 14 credits a semester.
Oddly enough I've averaged out six classes my entire college career, but this last year I could only manage five. I blame this on the fact the Biggest Winner takes about as much time as another whole class, and training takes more time than being a contestant like I was during the Fall. Now I know why I felt so overloaded when I was taking so few classes last Fall. I should have spotted that then, but there it is. I don't regret dropping a class instead of BW. BW is now a good resume builder for me and a great reason to get in the gym most every day.
Goals Update
Social = will do tomorrow
Intellectual = really need to find time for that.
Physical = I won't consider myself off track until I've gone at least a weak without sweating.
Spiritual = forgot to read today. Still have time left in the day though.
Emotional = still on track.
5 things that make me a good friend
I'm forever loyal
I'm forgiving
I'm quick to give advice, and to withhold it.
I love to meet the needs of others (don't read into that too much)
I can keep the peace
Who have I served today?
I put my niece down for her nap while everyone else (except grandma and myself) seemed to forget she was an hour over-due.
God's Divine Signature
Again the peaceful rain. I know it seems repetitive. But when you live in a desert whose greatest economy is farming then weird winters tend to get you feeling antsy.
There's always tomorrow
Since it's Sunday I don't have much planned other than church and family time and meeting my January Social goal.
Yet another lovely day at home while the rain pitter-patters outside. It's been a very odd winter, it hasn't even gotten very cold. I woke up late because I staid up till 3 the night before watching my current favorite BBC, Doctor Who. It's a very clever show that I'm watching out of order. My brother-in-law introduced the show to me when the eleventh doctor was just getting started and so far he's my favorite. I caught up on some news. Tidied the kitchen. Watched my niece and re-evaluated my graduation plan with two goals.
No over-loading.
And try to get at least 14 credits a semester.
Oddly enough I've averaged out six classes my entire college career, but this last year I could only manage five. I blame this on the fact the Biggest Winner takes about as much time as another whole class, and training takes more time than being a contestant like I was during the Fall. Now I know why I felt so overloaded when I was taking so few classes last Fall. I should have spotted that then, but there it is. I don't regret dropping a class instead of BW. BW is now a good resume builder for me and a great reason to get in the gym most every day.
Goals Update
Social = will do tomorrow
Intellectual = really need to find time for that.
Physical = I won't consider myself off track until I've gone at least a weak without sweating.
Spiritual = forgot to read today. Still have time left in the day though.
Emotional = still on track.
5 things that make me a good friend
I'm forever loyal
I'm forgiving
I'm quick to give advice, and to withhold it.
I love to meet the needs of others (don't read into that too much)
I can keep the peace
Who have I served today?
I put my niece down for her nap while everyone else (except grandma and myself) seemed to forget she was an hour over-due.
God's Divine Signature
Again the peaceful rain. I know it seems repetitive. But when you live in a desert whose greatest economy is farming then weird winters tend to get you feeling antsy.
There's always tomorrow
Since it's Sunday I don't have much planned other than church and family time and meeting my January Social goal.
Friday, January 20, 2012
Day Two, Done Well
Only the second day and I already almost missed posting.
Daily Summary
Today went well. I got enough sleep. Worked out for over an hour, worked on my manuscript for most of the afternoon and then hung out with my sister and her two adorable children and my mom this evening.
Goals Update
Spiritual, check. Physical, check. Intellectual, not yet. Social, could have gone to this party with my family tonight but chose to skip out instead. As for talking to men, that's kinda hard to do when you don't leave the house. Emotional, on schedule.
5 things I like about how I think
Finding the connection of random parts is the soul of creativity and I totally do that.
I am perceptive when it comes to the needs of others
I know how to make logical/do-able plans
My imagination is my own reality tv show
I love that moment when you I have epiphanies.
Who have I served today?
I made rice for my mom because she was taking a dish to the party and didn't have time to make it after work.
God's Divine Signature
Rain has never been so calming to the soul
(I've decided to shorten this segment to just one a day until I can get more practiced and observant of God's influence around me.)
There's always tomorrow
Laundry, more writing, and some school planning for graduation and FAFSA stuff.
You know I don't care if this blog is interesting to anyone else. It makes me feel better. And that was the whole point to begin with so there.
Daily Summary
Today went well. I got enough sleep. Worked out for over an hour, worked on my manuscript for most of the afternoon and then hung out with my sister and her two adorable children and my mom this evening.
Goals Update
Spiritual, check. Physical, check. Intellectual, not yet. Social, could have gone to this party with my family tonight but chose to skip out instead. As for talking to men, that's kinda hard to do when you don't leave the house. Emotional, on schedule.
5 things I like about how I think
Finding the connection of random parts is the soul of creativity and I totally do that.
I am perceptive when it comes to the needs of others
I know how to make logical/do-able plans
My imagination is my own reality tv show
I love that moment when you I have epiphanies.
Who have I served today?
I made rice for my mom because she was taking a dish to the party and didn't have time to make it after work.
God's Divine Signature
Rain has never been so calming to the soul
(I've decided to shorten this segment to just one a day until I can get more practiced and observant of God's influence around me.)
There's always tomorrow
Laundry, more writing, and some school planning for graduation and FAFSA stuff.
You know I don't care if this blog is interesting to anyone else. It makes me feel better. And that was the whole point to begin with so there.
Thursday, January 19, 2012
January Challenge! Day One of the Year Plan
January Challeges
Spiritual
A chapter of peaceful scripture study every day. Something I've never really been good at keeping up. It takes about 30 days to create a habit right?
Physical
Ah, I'm having trouble narrowing it down. Sleep, nutrition, and regular exercise are all coming to mind. Hmm, just because I don't list it doesn't mean I can't do it right? Better start with regular exercise because that's whats been really suffering ever since I moved home. It's hard not having a gym just an apartment building away. Not that I really have an excuse since there's a gym just three blocks from my house. It is harder to workout when you have no one to go with you. At school I have Biggest Winner contestants and gym classes to work with. Here, while I'm off-track, I have no one. But if I plan on accomplishing my goal of becoming a personal trainer I need to get used to the idea of working out whether I feel like it or not. At least its not forever. Next Spring I'll be back at school and into the old routine.
Intellectual
Study about bones. Review notes taken during Anatomy. Re-memorize parts of the bones. Purpose? Kinesthesiology class this Spring.
Social
Talk to former band mate. I have always had trouble talking to guys, recently its narrowed down to just guys I knew when I was in High School. I still have yet to say hi to this guy since I've been back. We were never really friends, but we sat in the same section for seven years. I really aught to stop ignoring him. It's an awful talent I have that gives people the wrong idea. I'm not snooty. I'm just shy around certain people. And it's not like I have a crush on him or anything, it's just awkward for some reason. So this month I'm going to say hi to him and anyone else like him who make me act like a scared deer in the head lights!
Emotional
Write the 5 things I like about myself everyday. Hey, it's harder than you think.
Daily Summary
Today I slept in. I think I'm still making up for lack of sleep during school and then holiday travel stress. Then I helped my sister with her babies this afternoon and then read the news and got the idea for this blog from a girl's video journal. She filmed a bit of her life everyday for a year and then made a video of it that consisted of only two seconds of each day. Went shopping with mom and got to spill my guts a little about what I was doing on here and words that we should avoid until I get further from my dark place. Words like, "you should be able" and "why can't you." It's only sensitive because those were the words I was repeating to myself when I was in my dark place. Give me a few more months of blog therapy and then maybe I'll be able to hear those words without cringing.
Goals Update
Well, since I started this whole thing at 7, the only thing to report is that I made the goals.
5 things I like about how I look
I like my eyes
I like my legs (thanks mom!)
I like how my hair curls
I like that I just got my ears pierced (It only took me 21 years to work up the nerve)
I like my mouth (again, thanks mom for the lips and the $2,000 worth of orthodontist appointments.)
Who Have I Served Today?
I guess the librarians. I returned some books and CD's today and accidentally dropped the CD's into a puddle. Instead of just returning the wet cases into the drop box I sheepishly walked in and handed them straight to the librarians so they could take care of the damage right away.
God's Divine Signature (totally stealing this from the book of the same title by Gerald Lund. It's a good read)
Ouch, this is hard. It rained and snowed today. Something that's been kinda freaking me out since it's so late in the season.
Man, I don't know how people do this. There are people in my faith who can list out places where they've seen God within just the past hour! I know that God is everywhere and always calling out to us in the littlest things, but we have to be ready and reaching back in order to see him. Unless of course He really really needed you to hear then it's kinda difficult to ignore Him. He's been known to do things like, oh I don't know, shake the earth, send angels, have a whale swallow you, that kind of thing. But that's not the purpose of this segment. Becoming simply better implies finding happiness, and even God, in the simplest of life's moments. Today I'm having trouble, maybe it's because I've started this so late? Tomorrow I will try harder to see Him.
There's Always Tomorrow
Tomorrow I'll make the official workout plan for myself. It hasn't really worked out with training mom so if I do go to workouts with her it will have to be in addition to what I do alone.
Find Plan time to study the bones
Plan a time to work on manuscript
Get out of the house at least once
Call temp agency
How's that for day one? After the first year I'll decide if I want to continue or just make this a journal blog. For now this will be my crutch, but once I get better, I'll see if I can do this naturally and on my own.
Spiritual
A chapter of peaceful scripture study every day. Something I've never really been good at keeping up. It takes about 30 days to create a habit right?
Physical
Ah, I'm having trouble narrowing it down. Sleep, nutrition, and regular exercise are all coming to mind. Hmm, just because I don't list it doesn't mean I can't do it right? Better start with regular exercise because that's whats been really suffering ever since I moved home. It's hard not having a gym just an apartment building away. Not that I really have an excuse since there's a gym just three blocks from my house. It is harder to workout when you have no one to go with you. At school I have Biggest Winner contestants and gym classes to work with. Here, while I'm off-track, I have no one. But if I plan on accomplishing my goal of becoming a personal trainer I need to get used to the idea of working out whether I feel like it or not. At least its not forever. Next Spring I'll be back at school and into the old routine.
Intellectual
Study about bones. Review notes taken during Anatomy. Re-memorize parts of the bones. Purpose? Kinesthesiology class this Spring.
Social
Talk to former band mate. I have always had trouble talking to guys, recently its narrowed down to just guys I knew when I was in High School. I still have yet to say hi to this guy since I've been back. We were never really friends, but we sat in the same section for seven years. I really aught to stop ignoring him. It's an awful talent I have that gives people the wrong idea. I'm not snooty. I'm just shy around certain people. And it's not like I have a crush on him or anything, it's just awkward for some reason. So this month I'm going to say hi to him and anyone else like him who make me act like a scared deer in the head lights!
Emotional
Write the 5 things I like about myself everyday. Hey, it's harder than you think.
Daily Summary
Today I slept in. I think I'm still making up for lack of sleep during school and then holiday travel stress. Then I helped my sister with her babies this afternoon and then read the news and got the idea for this blog from a girl's video journal. She filmed a bit of her life everyday for a year and then made a video of it that consisted of only two seconds of each day. Went shopping with mom and got to spill my guts a little about what I was doing on here and words that we should avoid until I get further from my dark place. Words like, "you should be able" and "why can't you." It's only sensitive because those were the words I was repeating to myself when I was in my dark place. Give me a few more months of blog therapy and then maybe I'll be able to hear those words without cringing.
Goals Update
Well, since I started this whole thing at 7, the only thing to report is that I made the goals.
5 things I like about how I look
I like my eyes
I like my legs (thanks mom!)
I like how my hair curls
I like that I just got my ears pierced (It only took me 21 years to work up the nerve)
I like my mouth (again, thanks mom for the lips and the $2,000 worth of orthodontist appointments.)
Who Have I Served Today?
I guess the librarians. I returned some books and CD's today and accidentally dropped the CD's into a puddle. Instead of just returning the wet cases into the drop box I sheepishly walked in and handed them straight to the librarians so they could take care of the damage right away.
God's Divine Signature (totally stealing this from the book of the same title by Gerald Lund. It's a good read)
Ouch, this is hard. It rained and snowed today. Something that's been kinda freaking me out since it's so late in the season.
Man, I don't know how people do this. There are people in my faith who can list out places where they've seen God within just the past hour! I know that God is everywhere and always calling out to us in the littlest things, but we have to be ready and reaching back in order to see him. Unless of course He really really needed you to hear then it's kinda difficult to ignore Him. He's been known to do things like, oh I don't know, shake the earth, send angels, have a whale swallow you, that kind of thing. But that's not the purpose of this segment. Becoming simply better implies finding happiness, and even God, in the simplest of life's moments. Today I'm having trouble, maybe it's because I've started this so late? Tomorrow I will try harder to see Him.
There's Always Tomorrow
Tomorrow I'll make the official workout plan for myself. It hasn't really worked out with training mom so if I do go to workouts with her it will have to be in addition to what I do alone.
Plan a time to work on manuscript
Get out of the house at least once
Call temp agency
How's that for day one? After the first year I'll decide if I want to continue or just make this a journal blog. For now this will be my crutch, but once I get better, I'll see if I can do this naturally and on my own.
Why Better? The Year Challenge to Become Amazing
Anyone who has ever had a secret wish for themselves has a small desire to become someone other. It's a destination, a place to go, a wonderland still waiting to be explored. It's a goal to reach, a place to be happy, or an area where you can feel like you've accomplished something great. You are no longer the person you were yesterday, you've become someone else, someone brand new, someone amazing.
Then you hear the old phrases like, "Just be yourself," "If you don't like yourself fat you won't like yourself thin," "Do your best," "Be grateful for what you have," and "You are wonderful just the way you are."
These may sound like lovely little gems of wisdom for the most normal of society. But for people like me it all sounds like, "You are limited. Just stay exactly where you are because you can't change even if you tried so you might as well make lemonade with those lemons."
If I were to follow that wisdom I would remain an unemployed, overweight, single dependent, with confidence issues. Who wants to live like that the rest of their life?
I know that's not exactly what people mean to say, but it's what it always sounds like when I'm feeling particularly depressed. It gives me an excuse for my failures and a place of security to run back to when plans fall through the floor.
Because honestly? I don't like myself the way I am right now. I'm ok, but I'm not who I WANT to be you know? I don't want to be just good, or ok, or sweet, I want to be amazing. I can be ok with who I am now, but I want to always desire to improve. Because if I don't, I'll slide back to who I was, and no one ever wants to do that.
This last fall, I was in a really dark place. So dark that I seriously considered ending it all because I truly believed that I wasn't good enough live. I would never accomplish everything that was expected of me right then so why should I bother being the disappointment that hangs around? No one should ever have to feel like that. I know of an exercise that helps with self-loathing, or hating anyone in general. Just find five things that you love. I know it works, because when I've had people do it, the atmosphere always feels less toxic and the conversation turns more hopeful. Whats hard, is doing that same good thing for myself. I've learned that its dangerous to try and change yourself completely into your ideal self over night. I may never be the "do-it-all" person that I dream of becoming. But I can still try and find happiness in my little accomplishments. For this experiment to work, I'll need to work slowly, patiently, like raising a plant. And hopefully, I'll be able to grow self-love and confidence to the point where I won't have to worry about that dark place ever again.
I'm calling this blog, "becoming simply better" because of two beliefs: that's there's always room for improvement, and that the better things are found in the simple everyday ordinary almost invisible moments of life.
I should also mention that in my dictionary, "better" means being happy with something I've done or what I've become.
What is the year challenge?
I'm competing against myself to find little ways of becoming a better person who loves themselves in healthy way.
At the beginning of each month I will set goals that are to be completed by the end of the month. I am NOT allowed to beat myself up if I fail to meet these challenges, I'm allowed to be ticked, but not to beat myself up. They will fall into five categories; spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual, and social.
What are the rules?
Each monthly challenge must actually be a challenge. Something that is not easy to do, or something that I don't already do.
EVERYDAY
Write a brief summary of what happened that day. If something special happens, take a paragraph to talk about it. If something depressing happened, take time to talk about it, how it makes me feel and what I can do about it.
Write a short log of how I feel and what I'm doing about my goals. (spiritual/physical/intellectual/social)
Write a list of five things I like about myself to build confidence and self-love. (emotional:change the perspective each month. Ex, what are things I like about myself physically? And yes, I'm going to have to be a bit repetitive since this is a daily exercise, but hearing yourself say something nice about yourself really never gets old so...)
Answer this question: Who have I served today? (it doesn't count if you're paid)
Write a list of five ways I've seen God in my life today. (If you're atheist and want to take this challenge with me you may change this to a different list of positive things. For me, it will always be about God. Because that's who I believe in.)
A short excerpt of what I plan to do the next day.
What do I want?
By the end of the year I hope to build up my self-confidence and self-love to the point where I won't fall into deep ruts of depression ever again. I don't want to feel pitiful anymore. I don't want to revisit that dark place I was in last fall. I want to find my limits, be proud in my accomplishments and feel like that is enough. I want all of my self-absorption to remain here, limited, so that way I can have conversations with my mom and others that don't turn into monologues of what I think is wrong with me. Mostly, I want to be happy with myself so that I can turn my attention others and their needs instead.
This is my life goal. And here begins a journey of my life. A journal of self-discovery and adventure.
Wish me luck
Then you hear the old phrases like, "Just be yourself," "If you don't like yourself fat you won't like yourself thin," "Do your best," "Be grateful for what you have," and "You are wonderful just the way you are."
These may sound like lovely little gems of wisdom for the most normal of society. But for people like me it all sounds like, "You are limited. Just stay exactly where you are because you can't change even if you tried so you might as well make lemonade with those lemons."
If I were to follow that wisdom I would remain an unemployed, overweight, single dependent, with confidence issues. Who wants to live like that the rest of their life?
I know that's not exactly what people mean to say, but it's what it always sounds like when I'm feeling particularly depressed. It gives me an excuse for my failures and a place of security to run back to when plans fall through the floor.
Because honestly? I don't like myself the way I am right now. I'm ok, but I'm not who I WANT to be you know? I don't want to be just good, or ok, or sweet, I want to be amazing. I can be ok with who I am now, but I want to always desire to improve. Because if I don't, I'll slide back to who I was, and no one ever wants to do that.
This last fall, I was in a really dark place. So dark that I seriously considered ending it all because I truly believed that I wasn't good enough live. I would never accomplish everything that was expected of me right then so why should I bother being the disappointment that hangs around? No one should ever have to feel like that. I know of an exercise that helps with self-loathing, or hating anyone in general. Just find five things that you love. I know it works, because when I've had people do it, the atmosphere always feels less toxic and the conversation turns more hopeful. Whats hard, is doing that same good thing for myself. I've learned that its dangerous to try and change yourself completely into your ideal self over night. I may never be the "do-it-all" person that I dream of becoming. But I can still try and find happiness in my little accomplishments. For this experiment to work, I'll need to work slowly, patiently, like raising a plant. And hopefully, I'll be able to grow self-love and confidence to the point where I won't have to worry about that dark place ever again.
I'm calling this blog, "becoming simply better" because of two beliefs: that's there's always room for improvement, and that the better things are found in the simple everyday ordinary almost invisible moments of life.
I should also mention that in my dictionary, "better" means being happy with something I've done or what I've become.
What is the year challenge?
I'm competing against myself to find little ways of becoming a better person who loves themselves in healthy way.
At the beginning of each month I will set goals that are to be completed by the end of the month. I am NOT allowed to beat myself up if I fail to meet these challenges, I'm allowed to be ticked, but not to beat myself up. They will fall into five categories; spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual, and social.
What are the rules?
Each monthly challenge must actually be a challenge. Something that is not easy to do, or something that I don't already do.
EVERYDAY
Write a brief summary of what happened that day. If something special happens, take a paragraph to talk about it. If something depressing happened, take time to talk about it, how it makes me feel and what I can do about it.
Write a short log of how I feel and what I'm doing about my goals. (spiritual/physical/intellectual/social)
Write a list of five things I like about myself to build confidence and self-love. (emotional:change the perspective each month. Ex, what are things I like about myself physically? And yes, I'm going to have to be a bit repetitive since this is a daily exercise, but hearing yourself say something nice about yourself really never gets old so...)
Answer this question: Who have I served today? (it doesn't count if you're paid)
Write a list of five ways I've seen God in my life today. (If you're atheist and want to take this challenge with me you may change this to a different list of positive things. For me, it will always be about God. Because that's who I believe in.)
A short excerpt of what I plan to do the next day.
What do I want?
By the end of the year I hope to build up my self-confidence and self-love to the point where I won't fall into deep ruts of depression ever again. I don't want to feel pitiful anymore. I don't want to revisit that dark place I was in last fall. I want to find my limits, be proud in my accomplishments and feel like that is enough. I want all of my self-absorption to remain here, limited, so that way I can have conversations with my mom and others that don't turn into monologues of what I think is wrong with me. Mostly, I want to be happy with myself so that I can turn my attention others and their needs instead.
This is my life goal. And here begins a journey of my life. A journal of self-discovery and adventure.
Wish me luck
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