Anyone who has ever had a secret wish for themselves has a small desire to become someone other. It's a destination, a place to go, a wonderland still waiting to be explored. It's a goal to reach, a place to be happy, or an area where you can feel like you've accomplished something great. You are no longer the person you were yesterday, you've become someone else, someone brand new, someone amazing.
Then you hear the old phrases like, "Just be yourself," "If you don't like yourself fat you won't like yourself thin," "Do your best," "Be grateful for what you have," and "You are wonderful just the way you are."
These may sound like lovely little gems of wisdom for the most normal of society. But for people like me it all sounds like, "You are limited. Just stay exactly where you are because you can't change even if you tried so you might as well make lemonade with those lemons."
If I were to follow that wisdom I would remain an unemployed, overweight, single dependent, with confidence issues. Who wants to live like that the rest of their life?
I know that's not exactly what people mean to say, but it's what it always sounds like when I'm feeling particularly depressed. It gives me an excuse for my failures and a place of security to run back to when plans fall through the floor.
Because honestly? I don't like myself the way I am right now. I'm ok, but I'm not who I WANT to be you know? I don't want to be just good, or ok, or sweet, I want to be amazing. I can be ok with who I am now, but I want to always desire to improve. Because if I don't, I'll slide back to who I was, and no one ever wants to do that.
This last fall, I was in a really dark place. So dark that I seriously considered ending it all because I truly believed that I wasn't good enough live. I would never accomplish everything that was expected of me right then so why should I bother being the disappointment that hangs around? No one should ever have to feel like that. I know of an exercise that helps with self-loathing, or hating anyone in general. Just find five things that you love. I know it works, because when I've had people do it, the atmosphere always feels less toxic and the conversation turns more hopeful. Whats hard, is doing that same good thing for myself. I've learned that its dangerous to try and change yourself completely into your ideal self over night. I may never be the "do-it-all" person that I dream of becoming. But I can still try and find happiness in my little accomplishments. For this experiment to work, I'll need to work slowly, patiently, like raising a plant. And hopefully, I'll be able to grow self-love and confidence to the point where I won't have to worry about that dark place ever again.
I'm calling this blog, "becoming simply better" because of two beliefs: that's there's always room for improvement, and that the better things are found in the simple everyday ordinary almost invisible moments of life.
I should also mention that in my dictionary, "better" means being happy with something I've done or what I've become.
What is the year challenge?
I'm competing against myself to find little ways of becoming a better person who loves themselves in healthy way.
At the beginning of each month I will set goals that are to be completed by the end of the month. I am NOT allowed to beat myself up if I fail to meet these challenges, I'm allowed to be ticked, but not to beat myself up. They will fall into five categories; spiritual, physical, emotional, intellectual, and social.
What are the rules?
Each monthly challenge must actually be a challenge. Something that is not easy to do, or something that I don't already do.
EVERYDAY
Write a brief summary of what happened that day. If something special happens, take a paragraph to talk about it. If something depressing happened, take time to talk about it, how it makes me feel and what I can do about it.
Write a short log of how I feel and what I'm doing about my goals. (spiritual/physical/intellectual/social)
Write a list of five things I like about myself to build confidence and self-love. (emotional:change the perspective each month. Ex, what are things I like about myself physically? And yes, I'm going to have to be a bit repetitive since this is a daily exercise, but hearing yourself say something nice about yourself really never gets old so...)
Answer this question: Who have I served today? (it doesn't count if you're paid)
Write a list of five ways I've seen God in my life today. (If you're atheist and want to take this challenge with me you may change this to a different list of positive things. For me, it will always be about God. Because that's who I believe in.)
A short excerpt of what I plan to do the next day.
What do I want?
By the end of the year I hope to build up my self-confidence and self-love to the point where I won't fall into deep ruts of depression ever again. I don't want to feel pitiful anymore. I don't want to revisit that dark place I was in last fall. I want to find my limits, be proud in my accomplishments and feel like that is enough. I want all of my self-absorption to remain here, limited, so that way I can have conversations with my mom and others that don't turn into monologues of what I think is wrong with me. Mostly, I want to be happy with myself so that I can turn my attention others and their needs instead.
This is my life goal. And here begins a journey of my life. A journal of self-discovery and adventure.
Wish me luck
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