Making Goals and Keeping Goals are Two kinds of Sauces.

I'm fantastic at making goals. I love that moment of anticipation and excitement that comes with a well planned ...plan. (I hate repeating words, but that's what it is.)

I'm great at keeping plans that have a day's deadline. I'm horrible at keeping life-changing, everyday, all the time kind of goals. I get bored, I forget, or I simply fall into my rut of laziness and say, maybe next time.

I think the hardest point of doing something is the moment before. Like repelling off a cliff. Actually trusting the rope and your lifter to hold you can take about ten minutes of freaking out before you finally (if ever) let yourself sit back into the harness (or too far back so your head is pointing at the rocks below. Not that I have personal experience or anything, just saying.)

So, my moment before is actually getting dressed.

I now have a newspaper route that I wake up at 3:30am for and promptly go back to sleep after around 6:30. It's great. It gets me up and walking. I get the see the moon in all it's glory. I get some alone thinking time with nothing but me and the radio. I get to experience runny nose, chapped lips, creaky muscles, and cranky customers, but hey, it's a job.

After the second wake up it's not so easy. I either do one of two things. Watch tv all day. Go through my e-mail newsletters all day (those things pile up quick). Or do chores all day. I forget my goals of fitness and writing the most. Luckily, I am "thrifting" my clothes otherwise I'd think I was a complete wreck after my last post declaration.

I'm currently most worried about the fitness thing. My sister got me to sign up for a 5k next weekend and I'm totally not in shape for it after two months of virtual inactivity. Let's just say I won't be surprised if I walk most of it. I'm a great walker. And I've never liked running. The only reason why I'm running is because my sister looked disappointed when I said I couldn't run.

Why do I put other people's considerations before my own? It's the only reason why I think next Saturday is going to suck. My sister, brother-in-law and their friends are totally going to leave me in the dust. Even knowing this I'm not trying to get some running in because (A) a week is hardly long enough to train for a 5k and (B) I've never liked running. Ever. I'm a lifter, always have been. If I have to do cardio I'd rather bike or do an obstacle course. Running is boring and it's too easy for me to play depressing mind games with myself because I suddenly have all this time to think about nothing else.

I can still remember back in fourth grade when we had to run around a field for PE. I remember thinking that I was a pretty good runner. I wouldn't be in the front but I'd at least be in the forefront. Not. I soon despaired as kids past me by and the lead runner got a full half field ahead of me. I quit then and just walked. I do the same thing during "free runs" all through middle and high school. After all the term "free run" is very loosely applied. Since there is no time limit or finish line who cares if I'm running or walking?

I like blog therapy. It gives me a space to get all these old demons out.

I like fitness, I really do. I like being with people who are working towards the same goals. I like dancing, biking, lifting, and I'd probably like rock climbing if there was a wall around hear since I love bouldering. I love teaching about it and learning. I'm slowly learning how to be fit in my own life.

You know, maybe this is why I can never be a real fitness buff. I take other people's opinions too much into consideration. I'll never be "fit enough" for the runners, marathoners, or lifters. But I can still be fit. Interestingly enough I think this is why I wisely stayed out of fashion. Too many peoples opinions crammed into your skull can make you go crazy.

I do enjoy my occasional day of laziness. But I think I do want to get up and go run sometimes. Even if it's for a short time. Honestly, I prefer Zumba. If there was a last Zumba girl standing competition, I would totally dominate.

As for writing. I just have a block. All my ideas are fan-fiction. Maybe I could blame this on watching too much tv? I just need to take time to sit down and free write one of these days.

I dreamed about school last night. I think I'm really missing it. Oddly enough I also keep dreaming about guys. This is a new development for me. I never dream about guys. I always dream about sunken cities, ancient ruins, and Chinese mafia. Not love triangles, awkward meetings or kissing. What is this? True I'm almost 22 and I'm long over-due for having these kinds of dreams according to the current statistics. But seriously? What's going on? I miss my adventure dreams.

I almost had one this morning. I was with my Grandpa and we were exploring some terra formations via helicopter and hiking. There was a gold stream only he knew how to find. For some reason Grandpa kept changing into Dad and back to Grandpa. No mystery there, they both always loved to explore the wilderness. It's a family legacy thing. Grandpa was even consulted by the park service when their maps became outdated. The only other details from the dream that I remember are that everyone seemed to think Grandpa was crazy and I was all excited to ask him about this mysterious gold vine and grateful that I could still ask him about stuff like that, but then my more conscious self remembered that he died last year.

And that's when a typical adventure dream turned back into one of my weirder guy dreams. You'd think I'd have some control over my dream self, but believe me, I don't. I've tried for years and whatever I plan to dream when I fall asleep never happens. Usually I'll get something much better.

All this being said. Today's goal is to get some yard work done since it's a nice-ish day. I should get some chores done since the end of the week is getting closer. And maybe I'll run on the Wii.