Why is it that we do the thing that we know will make us the least happy?
Or more accurately, why is it both the easiest and the hardest to take a path of in-action instead of action? Easiest, because it requires almost no effort. Hardest, because then you are forever plagued with the guilt of what might've, chould've, should've been.
For example. Last January I have been very in-active. Why? Because I just didn't care.
Mom called it the mid-winter blues. I don't usually like to blame my behavior on the weather, astrological charts, or the ancestral spirits but there you have it. As much as I hate to admit that something as silly as the time of year has control over my feelings I am forced to admit that I suffer from mid-winter blues. Looking back, I've probably had this issue for years.
Maybe I should consider sun-baking my skin-cells into a cancered frenzy every January?
Anyway, back to the topic. I've been meditating on the question of why people will do what they know will make them unhappy. Ok, fine, I've been meditating on why I have self-destructive behavioral issues. (Before you ask, no I am not a masochist. I pierced my ears this winter and every time I try to put my earrings back in I'm ready to give up the whole idea of ever looking feminine. Who ever invented this fashion torture? While I'm on the subject, low-ride/skinny jeans for girls are totally the new corset. Just saying. It just as uncomfortable, impractical, and shapely.)
This is why I ponder the question. Supposedly, I've been living the life any over-worked person could possibly dream of. I've slept late, gone to bed late, I didn't exercise though I have the time, I didn't eat well, did nothing but watch tv, and quit a perfectly respectable job I couldn't afford to lose. Why? Though my friends may envy me I certainly didn't. I was bored, depressed, and broke. Besides, those are the actions of an insane person which I am clearly not...most of the time...don't judge me.
Dallin H. Oaks spoke in the April 2011 Conference about Desire.
"Let us remember that desires dictate our priorities, priorities shape our choices, and choices determine our actions. In addition, it is our actions and our desires that cause us to become something, whether a true friend, a gifted teacher, or one who has qualified for eternal life."
So what does that say about me? That I love to be active but I seem to love making myself depressed even more so I'll choose inactivity? Isn't that the definition of a slob?
Maybe it's simply the act of taking the easiest path. Part of me wants to refuse that it could be that simple, but it probably is. Right now it's easy for me to forget work and everything because I'm on break and I only have so many weeks left before school starts. Mom already said that she could afford me so why bother stressing myself over job hunting?
Why bother?
Why bother?!
Am I even hearing myself? I hate being lazy. Hate it with a passion. Because once you sink into a pit of laziness it is easiest to stay and hardest to do what needs to be done. Plus, you've got all this self-doubt and other degrading thoughts rotting in your brain that only serve to keep you down. It's fun. Really. Give me a desk job over that, please.
Furthermore, I am not a mooch. As much as I do not want to take out a loan I especially don't want my mother to shoulder my whole financial burden. I may still be an dependent, but I'm also a freakin' adult for crying out loud! I should be able to pay at least some of my own stupid bills. It is wrong for me to expect my mother to pay for me at this stage in my life.
This is why I am so glad January only lasts a month. I finally have started reading fun books again. I actually fell content at random points in the day. And I plan to get a newspaper route since nothing else is working. I've also got some out-door chores lined up and I'm planning a training schedule for my sister and brother-in-law for the Spudman Triathlon.
Mid-winter blues, get the heck out of my life. It's time for me to roll up my sleeves and get to work! Springs a coming and I don't have time for self pity. And yes, I'm one of those people who love to wake up early as long as there's a purpose. It always makes my day.
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