It Is Better to Look Up

That is the title of a talk given at last October LDS General Conference by Carl B. Cook. It talks about how looking down only weighs us further down and how it is better to look up to positive things, like God, and to have optimism in our lives. In this way we can handle the challenges and responsibilities in our lives. It is a simple formula, but it does brighten the spirits of those who try it.

I know what you're thinking, "Yeah, like thinking about Jesus is going to make me feel better. There's got to be a catch, it can't be that easy." Well, if looking at a serpent mounted on a staff was enough to heal hundreds of Israelites, then why not?

I bring this up because after last weeks discovery I was on a high wave until Thursday or Friday. Then I started to go crazy again. Why did I give up the first job that was offered to me? How stupid could I be? I need the money. I'm a bum. Who sits and watches t.v. for twelve hours at a time? I'm such a hypocrite. My pioneer ancestors would be ashamed. Why can't I get to the gym everyday? So what if your sisters kids were sick, that's no excuse. Writing and sewing? That's your excuse for being home all day? You haven't even worked on your novel two days together since you've been home! As for sewing, is that why you have a stack of cut up fabric gathering dust? What's wrong with you? How can the spirit talk to you if you don't even pay attention in church? Don't bother to go to hang out with people. You should be looking for a job instead. You haven't even showered in days and you have no clean clothes to wear, who would want to hang out with a fat, stinky, lazy slob like you anyway?

While editing this I realized the change in tenses in the last paragraph. Instead of fixing it I'm keeping it because one the things they teach in counselling is how to own your own actions. Maybe there's a key here. If I stop talking to myself in second person, maybe I'll be nicer to myself? Is that why we're trained to to say I, me, my in sessions? Hmm, food for thought.

Yeah, I'm pretty harsh on myself. I'm my own best nag. I'm really grateful that my mom knows about this and she's the most understanding, sweet-as-pie mother in the world, otherwise I'd be getting this talk double time. She only nudges me once every three days, or once a day if she thinks I've given up on myself.

She'll say stuff like, "So, have you called the temp agency yet? Brother so and so might hire you for such and such, give him a call?" Or, she'll just stick with the all powerful sigh. That get's to me better than any sentence because mom is the one person in this world who's happiness trumps my own every time. She doesn't even have to be sighing about me, I'll instantly think, "What? What am I doing wrong? What do I need to do?" And she was on a sighing kick last night so bad that I noticed through my headphones.

This morning I had to literally throw myself out of bed. I was a lazy slob. Who would care if I never got up again? Around ten I finally said enough was enough and to get over myself and get in the shower cause I stunk.

One thing I've noticed about me and life. The less I do, the more agitated and grumpy I get and the more useless I feel and the less stuff I want to do. The instant I do anything productive, I start to feel better. But its a fine line because if I start to do too much I start to get agitated and grumpy again. It's really lame. And it's all mental which doesn't make it any easier. And when you don't have anyone counting on you to be anywhere or to do anything it's hard to come up with priorities and so nothing ever gets done. It's all highly frustrating.

Anyway, so after the shower and a bit of dusting while listening to the above talk, I began to feel much better. I called the temp agency for the first time in a week and they didn't seem agitated with me at all. I thought about pieces of the talk. How looking at life's burdens with optimism can make them seem lighter, or even better, do-able.

One of the problems of having no school or employment is that it gives my demons enough time to beat me over the head. It's like I start to do something and then a little voice says, "What are you doing? Don't you know you should be doing this?" And then I'd change gears and sure enough that little voice would say, "Why did you stop doing that project. It's never going to get done if you don't put a little time into it. Oh and don't forget this other project that you wanted to do." It's an evil exchange that always ends with me either going to my sisters house cause she called and needed help or zoning out to a tv show because I don't want to deal with it anymore. And nothing gets done.

Now that I've said it out loud, maybe I'll be able to work my way through this.

Sorry for this ultra depressing post. I'm still working my way out of the lazy slob feelings so give me time. Becoming simply better isn't about becoming perfect in a day, but gradually working my way to becoming the person I want to be while finding happiness and strength in the person I am.


Five Things I Like about How Strong I Am

I can lift weights and I like it.
I'm a risk taker
I always have hope
I can talk about my problems
I can fight through my mental blocks