Copied Lives

I have recently discovered that there's a belief that if we want to be happy just like Mr. Johnson who lives down the street you only have to follow a simple formula. Do exactly what he did and you'll get the same results, guaranteed, and you can live copied lives in your little copied, perfect, happy world together. Same job, same car, same family, same income, same everything. What could possibly be wrong with that?

Anyone who understands life knows that would be impossible. You can have the same opprotunities, but you're not guaranteed the same results in life. Even if you were an exact replica, copy, perfect image of Mr. Johnson and did everything exactly the way he did, you're not Mr. Johnson. To begin with he had different parents, met different people in his life and probably has different priorities and ideals. You could live very close to his example, but never exactly the same. Never copied.

I bring this up mainly because I had to travel a pretty sad path to get to this conclusion. I'll back up so you can see my process of thought here. For the beginning of the story, you'll have to review the last three posts.

After my stressful over-load and realization that I had no career to shoot for once I left college I had some time to think. I took a temp job and proceeded to quit it that very same day. I was still a bit depressed from the weekend before and the labor was hard with the added bonus of me freezing my feet in wet cow sludge for the better part of the day. You'd be discouraged too.

I felt guilty, but for the wrong reasons. I should have primarily felt guilty because it was the first job I'd been offered since I've been home and I'd only lasted a day. Instead, I was more concerned with how the ladies at the temp agency thought of me for quitting. Especially since I was so proud of my great work ethic and the reputation I had built last year with the seed factory. Now they would think I was a bum just like every other temp I'd worked with. You know, the kind that have every excuse in the book for every miserable story of their lives.

And the whole argument I had had with my sister still bothered me. I knew that the issue ran deeper than future plans or temporary jobs. Then somewhere between the bath and brushing my teeth it hit me.

It's positively exhausting basing your happiness on everyone else's good opinion.

It produces the kind of worry that would give a Greek statue a headache. I also realized that I've been doing this since kindergarten with authority figures like parents, teachers, temp agency's and occasionally even friends. It's not their fault, but mine. This is why I'm always telling myself I should be this or that because in my head someone is expecting me to be this or that.

I had somehow cultivated the belief that to have the high opinion of others you have to meet certain temporal expectations. If you don't meet those. You're a disappointment to everybody. (I blame Japanese Anime, they totally teach this all the time. It's the core of every hero plot.) Basically, if I wasn't pushing myself to my limits, I wasn't pushing hard enough. Therefore, I wasn't good enough. Therefore, I was a bum who'd be considered lazy and worthless the rest of her life.

This is a lie.

Staking your personal happiness on the good opinion of others is a task designed for failure. Because as any politician will tell you you can't please everybody, and if you try, you'll become indecisive on everything. In fact, the only times I've ever asserted myself above someone else's opinion is when the ethics of my family and church are put into question. And even then, on some things I'd slide a bit. Nothing is more sure to skew your view of right and wrong than to put the good opinion of others before your own conscience.

That night I was on fire. I listed to Mom at least a hundred things that made me a good person who is completely capable of making good choices for myself. There are thousands of good paths for people to choose from with scattered moments of "best choices" along the way. And each path is as unique as you or me.

Before I would have felt like the worst loser in the world for being unemployed and quiting that job. But I'm not. Because I have this good desire to finish school and become independent. I simply refuse to live off of my mother for the rest of my life. Just because I'm not employed this very second doesn't mean I'm a bad person. I'm still doing many good things in the meantime like writing novels, thrifting my clothes with sewing skills, and writing on my blogs. Because of that good independent desire I'm following, this small moment is nothing.

Constantly comparing myself to people who work themselves to bone is wrong because I am not one of those people. I am not their copy. Yes, it's wonderful that they can find happiness with work all the time and build businesses and achievements left and right, but that's not my strength. If I tried to do that, I might succeed, but I wouldn't be happy. In fact I'd probably be always stressed out of my mind. Writing is my strength. I can write from dawn until dusk if I'm in the mood. Some people can barely stand to write for five minutes. I can find a way to thrive on this skill. It is possible. I don't know where I'm going yet, but I know I can get there.

It's ok to take inspiration from other peoples good paths. But it is wrong to try and be their clone. All those old sayings like, "be your best self" never felt more true to me than they do now. It's funny how those things never seem that important until you have to live through the lesson they teach.

I think this might be the root of all the stress and worry that made me consider suicide last Fall. I mean how hard would that be to keep trying to meet EVERYBODY'S expectations and be perfect when deep down you know perfect is never enough for everybody? Shouldn't you answer to yourself first? I admire people who are able to go out and do what they want not because of their tough attitudes, or because they pick uncharted paths and succeed, but because they have the ability to choose their own good paths and not care what anyone else has to say about it.

I hope someday that I can be that strong in my convictions. I believe I'm on my way.