That phrase in the title is often used to describe God's way of purifying us through our trials. Sometimes the fire is a very-slow cooker made over a period of years and the personal revelations of truth come quietly and gradually. Sometimes it's a little faster and you have a sudden experience that knocks you off your feet.
In my case, it was the later.
The pressure started building four months ago. Mind you it wasn't uncomfortable or anything. For a while I had completely forgotten the "no" I'd gotten for my plan to become a full time personal trainer. (see previous post) I reasoned it away.
"Why would he care about which career I take? It's not like I can't be a mom and do this. What's the problem here? I think I'll ask again later. Just to be sure."
Then I came home for my "summer" (which is in the middle of winter) and the pressure began to build a lot faster. People who found out what I was up to wanted me to train them. No prices were discussed, but I knew at my current knowledge and experience level I probably shouldn't charge over 10 an hour. One lady who asked was an old friend of the family, I'd passed her in the super-market on a day when I was completely wiped out. I didn't respond well to her invitation. (I think I just shrugged and looked at the floor.) I knew that wasn't good. As a trainer you have to always be ready to solicit new clients.
Then my wonderful loving sister began to play devil's advocate. I love her so much more for this. She cared enough to tell me that my dream job probably wouldn't be able to pay the bills. Granted, I'd only researched the average income and not the cost of living vs how much work that would require. But still 30,000 dollars a year! That's a lot of money to someone like me. There was also the issue that I wasn't exactly the fittest looking person in the world yet either. She'd say it in different ways, but those where her two main arguments.
Anyway, she kept bugging me until last Friday I finally snapped. I felt bad afterwards and even though she reassured me that I hadn't hurt her feelings and my other relations said that it wasn't as bad as I thought it was, I still felt really guilty. She was bringing up good points, why did I have to get so angry?
Maybe there was some shame involved because I had done so well training five days a week at school. Then the holidays rolled in and we were on the road for what added up to a month. I also didn't have anyone who counted on me to be at the gym so...let's just say that while I haven't completely dropped off the workout grid I'm not near as frequent as I have been in the past. And it kinda shows. My dimpled belly has become all poochy again. So sad that it only took a few weeks and a pound or two of holiday chocolate.
On Saturday I sat down and made a list of needs and wants and computed about how much each would cost me. Then, since I'm no math wiz, mom helped me figure out the rest. I couldn't afford it. Simple as that. I could if I had the kind of ingenuity that's required in entrepreneurs, the successful ones easily fall in the top brackets, but I knew I didn't have that kind of get-go. Still, I'm stubborn and I still had a foot in denial. If I can do anything I set my mind too why couldn't I support myself on personal training? I read my patriarchal blessing and remembered the "no" I'd received four months before. (For those who don't know, it's a special personal blessing that members of my church receive from their patriarch when they've matured enough to take it seriously.)
That's what finally convinced me. I couldn't move forward with this plan. I was bummed and completely plan-less.
I hate being plan-less, it makes my independent fibers itchy.
I tried to think of other jobs I could do and enjoy. Nothing was coming to mind. I was completely stressed out and depressed. Ok, not completely, I've been worse. But I hated not knowing what I needed to do and I felt a little bit like a sinner for denying the revelation I had had four months ago.
I really wanted my Dad. He passed away when I was fifteen. I grew up believing that it was Mom's job to get me through childhood and Dad's job to get me through adulthood. This belief probably stemmed from the fact that my older sisters had a better relationship with Dad (who had little patience for whiny children) and I had the better relationship with Mom (who is the soul of patience.) But I couldn't have Dad so I went to the next best thing. My bishop.
On Sunday I scheduled the meeting. It was a fast Sunday which means anybody can choose to stand up and bear their testimony. Or if no one was inclined we could sit in meditative silence for a while. A couple of the brethren who stood up to talk talked about their past careers and what it had taught them. I got the impression that it's actually very rare for people to have a career in the field their major set them out to get. One brother had a dozen different careers in his life-time. I knew this brother. He was fine, his family was fine, they were ok financially which is all I ever wanted from a career. Did the education system just lie to us by giving us an absolute promise that wasn't so absolute?
When I talked to the bishop he confirmed that it is rare to have a career based on your major. Many people change their minds. Which begs the question, does college really help, or does it make you hate what you thought you loved? He counselled me to just finish school and to not worry about the rest. Since my aptitude tests were so even across the board with one tiny up-tick at English and writing, I could pretty much get a job where ever I wanted as long as I had that graduation certificate in my hands. He also told me that I'm at the time in my life where I need to graduate from simple daily scriptures and prayer they teach in primary (which does have a formula and has the purpose to build a habit) to the adult version of study and pray (which is a more personal search for truth and communication with God.)
I received a blessing and felt so much better.
Since then I've been having one realization after another. It's like I used up all my denial and can see everything so clearly now.
Tune in next time for: Copied Lives
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