So this post is a little late due to the fact that I'm back at school.
So last week was my (work out at least 20 minutes a day.) I had mixed success. There were one or two days that it just didn't get done because I had a million things to do before the move. But I still did better than expected.
School may eventually get more stressful. But for now I'm enjoying it. I think taking time to walk and pick up after myself is lessening the stress somewhat. That, and actually taking time to remember that God loves me and wants what's best for me. Typically I'll listen to the last General Conference talks or continue my read-through of the Book of Mormon in the mornings. I like to listen to them on LDS.org. I'm more likely to retain or at least receive knowledge that way.
In other news I was having a bit of trouble with my temptation. I thought at first it was because of the changes, but I actually think it's because I'm crushing on someone for the first time in over a year.
Bad, I know, but it's not what you think. It's not like I'm thinking about him at the time. In fact, I think it stems more from my self-confidence issues. My addiction has always been more of a comforting baby blanket than a way to get a high.
So yesterday I went for my first long walk. I had to get serious with myself about a few things. First I talked about why I wanted a boyfriend. Did I just want the pride of capturing a hot guy or did I actually want to get to know the man? That led to things I do want in a boyfriend. A good, kind, honorable man who will put the Lord before anything else, including me.
Then I talked with God about my sudden upswing in relapses. Restated how I really didn't want to deal with that and I promised to get the courage to call upon Him anytime I needed because that's the only way I'm ever going to break this.
That's when I realized that for me, the most important thing I need from a guy is patience. A guy who is willing to wait for me to be clean enough to go to the temple. A guy who can't do that, could never truly care about me.
So I've restated my semester goal. I want to make friends. Instead of drooling after hot guys I want to try to get to know them and make friends. I know guys and girls can't be friends. But that's only because eventually they either move away or get closer together. Still, I need to practice my "becoming friends with men" skills.
It's actually the only way I'm going to stay focused on my school work and sane. Yesterday as we were going to the manditory dorm meeting I heard a girl talking about my crush and drooling all over him. I instantly felt two things, protectiveness and sadness. Hey, you would too if the first 4 hot guys you crushed on married your roommates and the last ten nice guys you thought might work out turned out to be already married. Do you see why I haven't allowed myself to crush in a year?
Basically I thought, oh here we go. He's going to fall for some other girl in my ward who's prettier than me and I'll have to stand back and be depressed for the rest of the semester. I'll never have a chance. I have a hard enough time getting even one date let alone a boyfriend. Who was I kidding? Someone like that could never like someone like me. I'm not perfect.(Actually, I really hoped he might see the fun side of me cause one of my roommates said he was really nice and down to earth.)
Luckily, my roommate Sarah pulled me out of those gutter thoughts and reminded me that I am a beautiful, fun, wonderful person and any guy who can't see that isn't worth my time.
And so the saga continues.
Welcome back
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