I Hate Decisions Update

Last night I was talking to a friend of mine. We met at a school run group therapy and have remained in contact outside of school.

She was going through some post-roommate stress. The good news is that the semester was already over when she called. The bad news is that people like us tend to dwell on powerful emotions and the need to release that energy can lead us to do things we'd rather not. Like succumb to our individual addictions. We know it's only a temporary release, but addiction is kinda synonymous with "rut" it a habitual fall back we're trying to replace.

Group therapy has taught us to find positive outlets instead. Like calling each other up to vent our frustrations or in my case, blog-therapy.

I found out that the underlining issue to her anger was that she was worried about being pushed away again because of her issues. She's lost friends already because of it before. Her roommates didn't know all, but they did know she had been assaulted a few months ago and would have night terrors. There was a minor blowup at the end of the semester that resulted in a roommate claiming that my friend used her abused past as an excuse to act out. Even if it were true, she really shouldn't have gone there. Especially since the incident had been so recent.

We talked about how it was finals week and not everyone has the kind of patience to deal with everything. We established a base of understanding for the offending roommate and created a calm space to allow for some forgiveness. Honestly, I didn't do much besides listen. She told me it helped and I really hope so. I know from experience that dwelling on bitter feelings only makes them linger on long past any sort of usefulness.

(I'm still working on forgiving my roommate from hell for this reason. She makes a good story, but I still feel bitter. I've already resolved never to tell the story again in hopes that I can someday finally forgive her.)

Anyway, we were able to end on a positive note by visiting about un-issue-related topics. My whole stress filled decision from last week was still stewing in the air and I told her about how it had ended with me agreeing to some Saturday seminars with Caleb Senpai's help.

She then told me that she would love to learn self-defense from me.

Her saying that, after just finding out about her being assaulted reminded me of something.

It really isn't about the money or the time.

It's about women like her. Those abused or at risk for abuse being able to protect themselves. Isn't helping these individuals enough?

Yeah, she convinced me better than Caleb Senpai ever could. So for this semester at least I'm going to put Biggest Winner on hold and focus on promoting and organizing a club at school.

This mornings reflections sealed the deal as far as long term concerns. Usually on Sundays routes I don't play music or day dream because I like to try and meditate and pray about things I don't usually have time for during the rest of the week.

Today's topics wandered like they usually do. I can't remember everything that I prayed about. But I talked about personal stuff mostly. Learning to like myself, forgive myself, allowing God to love and help me, forgiving others. That kind of thing. It was during these meditations that it occurred to me.

When they talk about priorities, they don't limit it to just worldly priorities.

All things family and gospel takes precedence over all other things.

I have no idea if keeping jujitsu in my life will get in the way of these goals. But I do know that I have a long time to live and figure it out. If it becomes something that blocks my ability to achieve celestial goals, I'll quite and not feel the least bit guilty about it. Simple as that. I don't think they need martial arts in heaven anyway.

For now it'll just be a fun club for me to have up at school. I'll need CPR certification first, but it'll be worth it.

I love that moment after the decision is made. It makes my life feel so much better. I just leaned against my car after my route and listened to the birds wake up with the sun. I love that sound and the cool of a spring morning. It's so peaceful.

PS

Since I mentioned how my friend was doing with her temptation I might as well update how I'm doing.

I had a recent positive experience.

I did relapse last Wednesday. Two times since then I was able to say, "No, you know it's only going to make you depressed, you don't really want to do that." And that was all I needed to do.

Then a few days ago or yesterday (my bizarre sleep pattern is really messing up with my body clock) I gave in to my addiction again. I was honestly half asleep and had another random guy dream, but those are just excuses. I was awake enough to say no. (PS: Guy dreams are ridiculous, I know I'm a late bloomer and all and that almost 22 is pretty late to start dreaming about guys, but it's really not helping me out here in the temptation department. Give me my lavatory labyrinth dreams any day over those.)

I didn't allow myself to beat myself up too much over that. I've gotten into a pattern when I relapse that instead of crying and feeling miserable and otherwise aggravating the situation to instead think, "Ok, I messed up, I'm going to do better, move on."

The problem with relapses is that they generally come in pairs. The worse ones come in quads. So the next night I was having trouble controlling my thoughts again...actually it was this morning after my long conversation with God. Now I remember. Basically I said, "You know you don't want to do that, God is on your side, you don't have to fight this alone."

Instantly, the need to relapse went away. I've never felt it go away that quickly. It woke me right up from the power of it. It was a really cool experience that I'm grateful for and I told Him so.

I don't remember if I mentioned this. But that's always been my little problem in my relationship with my Heavenly Father. I'm an independently minded person and I don't like to ask for divine help very often.

Just the other day I'd lost my MP3. I like my MP3 because it keeps the small random morning noises at bay and I don't have to jump every five minutes. I was afraid that I'd accidentally thrown it into the recycling, a half hour hour of sorting and digging through the can later and I knew it had to be in the house. I searched and searched off and on all day. Knowing all the time that I had a testimony that prayer could help me find it now but being stubborn enough to say, "I know it's in the house, I'm not wasting a good prayer on something I can find myself."

Finally, I decided that I aught to pray. I barely got "help me find it" out before I saw the stupid thing lying where I had searched at least ten times before.

God has a sense of humor.

He also has a way of making sure you pay attention to an important lesson. I needed this lesson because it wasn't two days later that I had my amazing intervention moment. And all because I reached out to him for help.

I love the atonement. It works in so many ways. I'm still studying what the love of God really means. This Easter has been one great reminder after another. I am truly grateful and truly blessed.