I Hate Decisions

Mostly, because if I have to make a big decision I'd rather for it to be a quick and relatively painless one rather than one I have to sit on for days on end and worry about.

It would help if my fatal flaw didn't always get in the way. Everyone has one. The one thing that is a great a talent, but also a great burden. Mine, is that I like to help people out whenever I can, regardless of how it puts me out.

I finally understood this fatal flaw just yesterday. My sister needed a secretary in ten minutes. I had a whole list of things I need to get done before I head back to school. I had to say no, and I cried because I felt so guilty about it. Both decisions would have been considered a "right" choice. One required disappointing a sister. I especially hate those kind of decisions that make me feel selfish.

So here's my recent dilemma.

Last Fall I had an issue with dealing with stress. I was almost pushed over the edge, but with some loving help I got back on my feet. To combat these feelings in the future I've started the "Habit Changing Challenge" with my mom. Those tiny things in my list in the previous post could do so much to help me handle everything else. It's those tiny things that add up that make all the difference.

That said, I already had three semester goals. Work, A Bro Jo fireside, and Biggest Winner.

Yesterday I was approached by our lead sensei. He wanted me to start up a Jujitsu chapter up at Rexburg. (Sensei Caleb is new to the area and an old student of my own and current Head Sensei Reale. (Though I've only seen him twice since being home.) Sensei Caleb is more like a senpai (senior) to me than a sensei, though I do respect his knowledge and skill at the art. So I guess that makes my sensei like a soutaichou (head captain) the other guy just a taichou (captain.) At first menkio (sp) or first degree black belt, at most I'd probably rank as a Fukutaichou (lieutenant.)

Here is where I am conflicted.

Pros
• I would get to practice and avoid Jujitsu withdrawals while at school.
• I would have a second established social time.
• I would have more reason to keep up my habit changing goals. The more responsibilities I have the more important it will be for me to keep up those little habits.
• I'd get support from the local dojo at the nearby town and Caleb Sensei wants to come up on weekends.
• I might earn some money.
• I'd feel like an adult who's accomplished something. I know as an adult I will eventually have to be busy all day. That's part of growing up. This would be good practice.
• It's a potential bass for a job right out of school.
• It would be something that I could master that I actually kept up since I was kid. Thereby avoiding the guilt that comes every time I say I'll do something and then find myself not wanting to or unable to do it.
• It's an old dream to lead a dojo (This dream was unintentionally killed by Sensei Reale. He put too much pressure on me too quickly. But Sensei Caleb in a single afternoon has replanted those dream seeds in me somehow. If nothing else, Caleb Sensei is a people person.)
• It’s something that I really love to do.
• If I cut out my six hours of tv time a day it’s more likely to happen.


Cons
• Potentially no time for homework.
• Extra pressure to get things done.
• Nerves that I won't be a good enough sensei and the class will die. Otherwise disappoint Sensei Caleb.
• My own tendencies to over-think and over-stress everything.
• It's another hobby job.
• I don't know if instructing a dojo by myself is something that I want to do, because I know my own weaknesses and short-comings in the art.
• I could potentially put myself back into the same dangerous position I was last Fall.
• I’ve only have three semesters left with a large block in-between my second and last semester. No one to take-over? I don’t think I could train someone that well in that short space of time.


Why is it that all of the stuff that I like to do could only ever earn a small income?

If I was better at finances I could see myself entering into the gi/other supplies part of the business and earn some money. If I got down and serious about teaching it I could see myself making a small living.

I've never wanted to earn a lot of money. But I always wanted to be independent and secure.

Actually, why is finances always my first worry when it comes to decision making? No wonder I'll never visit Europe.

I do know already that after school I want to live in the area and continue to refine my art. But do I want to continue it at school?

Here's what I know about my Spring schedule.

My classes are all 200/300 level (though anyone whose been in college knows that the difficulty and amount of work from a class depends entirely upon the professor.)

My day will probably start at 5 for my 20 min personal workout.

I start my classes at 7:45 and end at 1 or 2:45 respectively.

I work at least 5 hours a week at 10:15. All other hours would have to come from the afternoon and I need to work at least 12 to live at school. So an average of three hours a day.

Biggest Winner costs me three to four hours a week.

Add another 5 hours to personally train Brittany.

I like to take hour long walks in the evening to de-stress.

I have nine hours after school to play with. These hours would have to be used for work, homework, shopping, cleaning, walking, Biggest Winner, Visiting Teaching, and for part of the semester getting Bro Jo onto campus. (That would actually be probably easier to do through my bishop than the school.)

If I wake up at 5 and go to bed at 10 six days a week I will have 17 hours a day, 102 hours a week to play with.

Total Hours/Week excluding Sunday
School = 16
Work = 12-14
Homework = 24 (based on class type)
All Fitness = 11.5
Visiting Teaching = 1.5
Bro Jo = 1.5-5
Shopping = 3
Cleaning = 1
Walking = 6
Personal Reading = 3
Self-Maintenance = 10
Play-Time = 12
FHE = 1
Other Church Activities = 1
TV Time = Old Habit = 36/Hopeful New Habit = 6

Actually Visiting Teaching might not count since that's usually on a Sunday. And unless there's a big project coming up I rarely spend more than an hour on any class. Saturdays could be used for projects.

Current Hours Used Based on Highest Prediction Except TV

114

I'm now beginning to see why I might stress so much during school. I predicted self-maintenance kinda high. Play time could easily include training and jujitsu. And Bro Jo isn't forever.

Taking these factors (with a minus 3 for hygiene) into account the number becomes.

94.5

So it really all depends on how I manage my variable time. I could it if I were more disciplined and could relax during my fun activities. For all I know homework won't take me that long.

Then again. My main focus at school should be school. Not extra-curricular activities. But then again, they're always telling us to live life to the fullest in college.

I could also sacrifice Biggest Winner for Jujitsu. But I don't want to lose that social workout atmosphere.

What to do?

Blog therapy is only serving to decrease my anxiety about the whole thing.

I could see it working if it were a Saturday only class. But, that wouldn't give me time to train up someone to take over when I'm not in town, or eventually move.

Whats the point of starting something that's just going to die?

Then again, I've used my Saturday's as full week homework days before and did fairly well. I know I think about subjects better when my brain hasn't already been stuffed with two or three different class periods.

You know, I really hate that all my planning has to be based on finances and the possibility that I'll be alone. Why do I have look at life like I'm going to be alone as a spinster or a widow or left behind? Why can't I hope for the best?

Probably because hope for the best doesn't put food on the table.

My family is very middle class. My sisters all aimed for and two of them currently live in better circumstances than they grew up in. They expect me to do the same. I don't want to ruin the family legacy of education and aspiring to be better. But I don't think my happiness should be based on whether or not my goals are aiming at a higher tax bracket.

At the same time, I don't want to be poor or lower class. No offense. I just don't find much security in living pay check to pay check.

Isn't there a happy medium?

The cruel irony is that I'll probably be somewhere I never would have expected to be ten years down the road. Someplace I didn't plan for or predict. So why am I worrying so much if all the planning in the world isn't going to change that?

Because I guess not trying is worse.

The current issue is whether I can emotionally handle the extra load of starting a class this Spring.

The future issue is that if I really do want to continue in the art I need to decide how important of a role its going to play in my life.

Sigh...decisions, decisions....

K, after much debate and schedule making. I've decided the best thing for my sanity is to have Saturday only classes for several hours. Saturday, cause it's my most open day. Several hours, cause that's the only way I'm ever going to be able to train anybody up enough to take over.

I'll print my schedule just to prove to Sensei Caleb just how crazy college life is.

As for the future...I'm not going to worry about it yet. Career-wise, I still need to research my options that come with my major. I think finding job options in the area based on my major would be the wisest thing to do. If I teach jujitsu on the side that would awesome. If I end up doing that and being a mom while dad earns the green that would be even better. If I'm single with kids, the more areas I can earn money the better.

And that's all I'm going to worry about right now.

Close blog therapy. It seriously works. I feel so much better.