Ok, Not the Worst, but Still Pretty Bad Kind of Day

Right now I'm kind of in the calm drain that happens after a storm of tears.

What could have possibly happened?

Honestly, most of my day wasn't that bad. I went to school, found out that the supposedly canceled class was only a canceled lab so I was a full day behind.

I went to work and found out that an old student of mine (I tutor) whom I had supposed to be a permanent online student secluded clear across the country due to his fear of women, was applying for a job next door. I'm not kidding about his phobia. We were supposed to Skype when he disclosed his fear to me so I promised to find him an available male tutor asap. Various e-mails later he kept mentioning both his bed and his camera. Both of which I had completely zero interest in and was honestly slightly creeped out about. I got a little sarcastic and told him (verbatim) "you can put your camera where ever you want." His next e-mail told me in capital letters that I was a devil woman straight from hell who had a disgusting and perverted mind.

It's kind of funny really. Anyone who knows me and has heard this story usually has a raised eyebrow reaction. "What? You? You're one of the sweetest people I know. What did you do to deserve that comment? Answer, nothing but try and get the guy a male tutor. Ridiculous.

After reporting him I never expected to hear from him again. Now he's around campus. The good news is that we never actually skyped so he doesn't know what I look like and I have no idea what he looks like. We need never meet. Plus, all my bosses are totally protective of me, so its kind of cool.

Really all this was manageable and the whole paranoid guy was actually kind of funny. I was hoping that I might hear the end of that particular story.

Then my world went downhill from there.

I had way too much sugar at work. Easy access candy jars are not good for see-food people like me. As long as I don't have even one I'm good. Once I eat one, I eat twenty, which means I get a sugar crash. Anyone who deals with hormonal or emotional issues knows that if you're not used to having a lot of sugar and suddenly intake a ton, you can really expect to have some problems later in the day.

I didn't think about it. I went home, started surfing the news. And bam. There was a story. A classic trigger for my addiction. And I got sucked in like the Greek monster Charybdis had dragged me down into the mind numbing pits of relapse.

Seriously, I hate it when I dull my mind and my will like that and allow these things to happen.

It was the worst relapse I've had in a long time.

I got in the shower and cried for ten minutes. I'd been doing so good! My relapses were still a about week apart. But I'd been feeling stronger desires to be clean and not relapse anymore. Further, I'd finally figured out the humility I would need to call on God to help me out in these tough situations. (Cause honestly, my "I'll do it myself" pride wouldn't have allowed me to before.)

I hadn't even thought of calling on Him at the time.

I could blame the fact that the last few days have been rough on me as far as desire. For the previous two days I've felt twinges and would instantly call on God for help and the twinges would subside. But I knew that with two days in a row that I was up for a big one. I knew it, but I still hoped it wouldn't happen.

I also confessed my history to one of my roommates. She's a good friend and this is our second semester together. I mainly told her that I suffered from seasonal depression and that I might need some extra pep-talks in the Fall. She's one of those super sincere people who are really good at giving comments. It was a good discussion and we were both happier for it.

But one thing I've noticed is that dwelling on this particular issue or referring to it and attaching the idea to every part of my life is more hurtful than helpful. It's easier to just push it to the back of my mind and forgetting it than bringing it up in every facet of my life.

I think the hardest part was feeling the spirit depart. It was like someone had reached into my chest and ripped out a piece of my hope. At the time I was really into the numb state so I felt it with a slight pain of gilt before, like a donkey, allowing myself to be led back down the path of relapse.

At first, I thought it was that good feeling I'd been having lately. That I might actually feel worthy of a good guy boyfriend. It was later that I realized that it wasn't the promise of guy, but the spirit, which is far worse.

I tried to call my Bishop, but he didn't answer. It's ok though. I asked for forgiveness and a way to get away from my temptations, permanently. I've heard of people doing 180's and was told by a Councillor that it wasn't always the case. At the time that would have been true for me. I wasn't ready to give this up yet. It was my security blanket. The instant gratify-er.

But now, I really want to give it up. I'll pray for that blessing every day if I have to in order to just stop feeling like this. I know I won't be perfect. I'll still make mistakes. I just want to get rid of this. This one problem. If I can get rid of this then I can be clean and go to the Temple. I haven't been there for so long.

If I ever do meet a guy. I hope he's the kind of guy who is patient and can wait for me. Such a guy, would surely be worth spending eternity with. I hope he puts God before me while also being my best friend. I hope I can love him and care for his well-being more than my own. An even companionship between two people who love each other in a way that is powerful and indescribable. Something beyond what can be perceived by the physical eye.

I trust God for that part of my life. I will do my best to put me out there and pray that he leads good men my way.

I feel better about life right now. Battle hardened warrior that I am. After all, I've been dealing with this since I was too young to remember. I know the process. I know how hard addictions can be. But I also know that God is on my side. He trusts me to do the best I can to be a good person and continue to work. Sometimes, enduring to the end, means you don't get immediate results. I just hope I can trust myself to never despair of my God and my faith in the Atonement.

I know He loves me. I know He sent His Son for me. Me personally. So I can return and dwell with God clean of every spot. He loves me as if I were His only daughter. And He wants me to succeed more than anyone.

This brings to mind a story. A son is running a race. He's sure he's going to win. And his dad, so proud, watches from the sidelines. He'll make him proud. The race, starts. The boy trips and falls, humiliated to the ground.

I remember, it was a poem. PS, Blogger no longer likes my space bar so sorry for the inappropriate verse breaks.

The Race

"Quit, give up, you're beaten" They shout at you and plead "There's just too much against you This time you can't succeed".

And as I start to hang my head In front of failures face My downward fall is broken by The memory of a race

And hope refills my weakened will As I recall that scene Or just the thought of that short race Rejuvenates my being

Childrens race, young boys Young men, how I remember well Excitement sure, but also fear It wasn't hard to tell

They all lined up so full of hope Each thought to win that race Or tie for first, or if not that At least take second place

The fathers watched from off the side Each cheering for his son And each boy hoped to show his dad That he could be the one

The whistle blew and off they went Young hearts and hopes afire To win and be the hero there Was each young boys desire

And one boy in particular Whose dad was in the crowd Was running near the lead and thought "My dad will be so proud"

But as they speeded down the field Across a shallow dip The little boy who thought to win Lost his step and slipped

Trying hard to catch himself With hands flew out to brace And amid the laughter of the crowd He fell flat on his face

But as he fell his dad stood up And showed his anxious face Which to the boy so clearly said "Get up and win the race"

He quickly rose, no damage done Behind a bit that's all And ran with all his night and mind To make up for the fall

So anxious to restore himself To catch up and to win His mind went faster than his legs He slipped and fell again

He wised then that he had quit before With only one disgrace "I'm hopeless as a runner now I shouldn't try to race"

But in the laughing crowd he searched And found his fathers face That steady look which said again "Get up and win the race"

So up he jumped to try again Ten yards behind the last If I'm going to gain those yards he though I've got to move real fast

Exerting everything he had He regained eight or ten But trying hard to catch the lead He slipped and fell again

Defeat, he lay there silently A tear dropped from his eye There's no sense running anymore Three strikes, I'm out, why try?

The will to rise had disappeared All hope had fled away So far behind so error prone A loser all the way

"I've lost, so what", he thought I'll live with my disgrace But then he thought about his dad Whom soon he'd have to face

"Get up" the echo sounded low "Get up" and take your place You were not meant for failure here "Get up", and win the race

With borrowed will "Get up" it said "You haven't lost at all" For winning is no more than this To rise each time you fall

So up he rose to run once more And with a new commit He resolved, that win or lose At least he shouldn't quit

So far behind the others now The most he'd ever been Still he'd give it all he had And run as though to win

Three times he'd fallen, stumbling Three times he'd rose again Too far behind to hope to win He still ran to the end

They cheered the winning runner As he crossed the line first place Head high and proud and happy No falling, no disgrace

But when the fallen youngster Crossed the line, last place The crowd gave him the greater cheer For finishing the race

And even though he came in last With head bent low, unproud You would have thought he'd won the race To listen to the crowd

And to his dad he sadly said "I didn't do too well" "To me you won", his father said "You rose each time you fell"

by D. H. Groberg

That pretty much says it all. That's how the Atonement works. He doesn't expect us to repent once and be perfect. To even have an amazing confirmation of being forgiving shouldn't be expected to only come around once in a life time. As long as we live we will make mistakes.

I'm reminded of the glowing orb from the movie "Haunted Mansion" Madame Leota.

MADAME LEOTA "You try, you fail, you try, you fail. But the only real failure is when you stop trying."

MR EVERS "What do you want me to do, huh?"

MADAME LEOTA "Try again."

So simple. So complicated. Seemingly so easy, and yet so hard to do without practice. The first thing is to stop making excuses and exceptions. Say. I want this. I'm going for it. And God is with me. Just try and stop us.

I feel better. Not great. But better.

I'm going to study Lehi's dream and what the fruit really meant. I've been told that it's the love of God and that it represents Jesus Christ and his atonement. But being told something and finding the answer for yourself are two completely different bags of fruit.

Until my next update.

Pray for me.