Temple Glow

K, so I'm a week behind. So what?

Scripture study was easy to keep up the week I was doing it. I haven't touched them for the last three days though so...oops.

I owe mom 5 bucks because last week I didn't have a single day where I only had one snack. Hey, I was hungry. So I'm starting my calorie count thing a little early. By the time it comes up I hope I'm into practice.

This week is "write 15 minutes every day." Already excited.

I'm going to modify the rules a little though. There's no way that I can do everything every day in my habit goals. Some things really only take five seconds, others take longer. Besides the whole idea is to make good things that I've always wished I was good at a higher probability option for when I have time to do something fun or relax or just feel good about life. And what if one of my habits turns out to be something I really hate doing? How miserable would that be to have to keep it up for 52 weeks. This is not just about snacking, but an understanding that good eating is a long term habit that's going to take a while to develop.

So the five dollar penalty will only count for the week the habit is implemented.

In other news...

I bought a little water fountain from Walmart cause 1.) I've always wanted one and it was only 4 bucks, and 2.) The sound/feel/smell of water always calms me down. I like it already.

Biggest Winner has started and by default I'm the head trainer of the pink team. I can only make Friday workouts, but I plan to stay in touch with my team via e-mail. They're all excited and they all want to win. So I'm excited too. They're also my motivation to move up my calorie counting thing. I want to be a good example and nutrition is my Achilles heel when it comes to weight loss and good health. So, lets see what happens.

As of right now (1:20 p.m.) I've had 1000 calories even from cereal, pb sandwich, cake, and a stick of gum. It would have been 595 without the cake and gum. (Leave me alone, it's my birthday :D alright, the 24th was my birthday we just didn't get around to making a cake until yesterday. And yes, it was yummy.)

I'm submitting for the Creative Writing Retreat which is a weekend getaway to the wild to just write. I'm excited and nervous, but I think I might get in.

I've had the most pimple free period of my life. Thank you Oxy!

I'm flirting with boys...and retreating when they seem interested. But the interest is the important thing!

The Bishop told me that the only thing required for desire is the movement toward change. Not the lack of desire to not relapse into an addiction.

My poor friend got lonely and thought it was a good idea to sleep with a guy. She hasn't really spoken to me since she last called. I think I might have crossed a line. To be fair I was heart-broken that she made that choice when we'd been working so hard to go the right direction. I asked her if she'd been working on her desire to change. She said yes, but there's a part of me that wonders if she only knows how to be a victim. This was before I talked to the bishop about desire and I have since texted and apologized. But I still haven't heard from her. I'm kinda worried actually. But I also know she's the kind of person to be angry easily and blame irrationally. I could easily see her taking out her guilt on me by not talking to me because of what I said. Hope she's ok anyway.

Let's see, there was one other thing...now what was it...?

Oh yea!

I get to go to the TEMPLE!!!

This Sunday's meeting with the bishop started with him asking me who I thought I was and what I wanted to improve. I thought, "I want to be the sort of person a good guy could love." But I couldn't say it. I've never had a boyfriend, only twice had a guy pretty interested and they both ended in disasters. Besides, I needed a special fellow who'd be willing to wait for me to be clean enough for a temple marriage.

To avoid that tear jerking thought I said instead that I wanted to be the kind of person who could go to the Temple. The bishop kind of looked at me funny and said, "Who told you you couldn't?"

I was like, um...I'm an addict? That's why I'm visiting you?

He told me that unless some bishop has taken my recommend from me there was absolutely no reason that I couldn't go. In fact, I probably had all the more reason to go because of my struggles. I needed that spiritual connection.

I was bawling within seconds. I don't know how many young men/young women temple trips I missed because I thought I wasn't worthy to enter the Lord's house. (Part of my lonely past.) One time that I did go I remember hearing a story in the waiting room where supposedly a Temple official had asked for an unclean party to leave a Temple session. I was always scared that that would happen to me. I always thought that I wouldn't be able to get married right away.

Even when I couldn't go, I would find my feet leading me to the Temple and many times I've taken time to walk around it's walls and talk one-on-one to God. It always made me feel better. I know you don't necessarily need to physically walk around a Temple to talk to God. But it's the knowledge that it's His house that helps with the connection.

Even though Bishops in the past have told me that it might be good if I didn't go. I think what they were really saying was that it was up to me. They never took my recommend away. I've always keep a current one tucked into my scripture bag. Just in case.

We have a ward trip planned this week. I'm going, monthly or no, I am so going. I've never been so excited. I feel like I need to make up for lost time. Maybe I should schedule a Temple date everyday of the week? Or make Saturday mornings a several hour Temple time?

I don't know if that would be wise to do to my stress levels, tight schedules always get my hackles raised and there's a reason I can't be with my team all the time, but if I can do it I really want to.

That was seriously the best news of my life.