As much as I hate to admit it, I think I'm really getting worse.
At keeping this blog regularly I mean.
Well, I knew it would be hard once I was into the semester. In the last three weeks I've had to contend with midterms, writing retreats, catch ups, and anxiety.
Last post I mentioned how the calorie thing was going to be a two week thing due to the retreat. What I may have not mentioned was how I wasn't really counting calories, but marking down what food I'd eaten for what meal in the day. Looking up calories is time consuming and I figured with all my health knowledge I aught to be able to tell a good meal from a bad one.
It was so hard to be good on the Retreat. By that I mean I literally stuffed myself. Brother Papworth was our cook and he was phenomenal. We had turkey slow cooked in the ground on a bed of coals, chicken ball things with rice, mash potatoes, sausage, muffins, casseroles and other amazing dishes. I just couldn't say no! I literally expanded my stomach on that trip and I've been trying to shrink it ever since.
But I still recorded what I ate. I have a definite pattern. Every third day or so I feel this need to eat a lot and then the day after I hardly eat anything. I'm going to keep recording and see if I can't get my meals into a more regular pattern.
Sincere prayer went over well until I skipped a temple week and forgot to read scriptures. Now I know. Sincere prayer goes hand in hand with keeping the spirit really close to you. It's hard to have them otherwise.
Being social for ten minutes was almost a free-bee except that week I had a couple of depressed days where I didn't want to see anyone. I've learned that being social for just ten minutes is good therapy for the sad.
This week's challenge is to BE ORGANIZED.
I actually didn't look this one up until today. (This blog is becoming less and less a Sunday thing and more and more a Wednesday thing.) I shocked myself because yesterday I went crazy, full of energy, and just had to clean something. Mainly because I just couldn't sit down and focus on anything. I even tried to take an ADD test but I didn't finish it. So my room has been deep cleaned down to the junk drawer and I've been loving it ever since. Totally keeping this new habit.
Today I went out and bought a swim suit. The only store here that would sell a good one was Big 5. They didn't really have anything in my size so I ended up with a french cut swim suit and a set of mens' shirt and shorts. Hey, I don't want to go to the beach feeling like my shorts are riding up or about to fall off any second. That was all they had in the women's section. And french cut includes almost indecent exposure of the behind so a shirt was necessary. Big 5 also doesn't believe that there are fit women who have boobs. None of the suits had breast pads. None. I almost bought a slick exercise bra to compensate, but reminded myself that I had one already.
That's another good thing that happened today. I budgeted and stuck to my shopping list for the first time ever. All except for a pair of socks, I got what was only on my list. I can hear Dad in heaven saying, "Yes, she's an adult now!" Go Richest Man in Babylon. Best economic read ever.
I've also finally got that workout fire back. Yes!
K, now the lesson on love
I've been having this light-bulb moment all week and it's finally culminated into a poem. Chronologically it started on a Sunday. I was talking to this guy I usually talk to and he mentioned a girl he wanted to ask out. He showed me her facebook page which displayed six beautiful, blond, straight nosed, tanned, black eyed girls. I asked him to point out THE girl and he froze. He couldn't do it. As a girl I saw the subtle differences between them, he didn't.
Later this week my roommate was distressed. She told me that she never felt uglier than at this school because everyone's expectations were so high. PS: She's beautiful, she just has really wide hips. Men were either afraid of her or wanted to change her. Anywhere else she's lived they just wanted to date her. She told me that if she took me to this one state both she and I would get dates at the drop of a hate.
"Ok, let's forget school and go there right now!" I said, possibly with some seriousness because just like her I haven't had a date in a long time. And I'm not bad looking either I just don't look like a cookie cut model. It's hard to practice social skills or even feel like you have options when the guys aren't asking.
We read this story call "The Birth-Mark" by Nathaniel Hawthrone. It's basically about this practically perfect woman who has all the looks and manners anyone could want. Her only fault is a tiny handprint shaped birthmark on her cheek that some have called blessed and others cursed. She sided with the blessed. Her husband sided with the cursed and changed her opinion over to his. He wanted her absolutely perfect so they removed it. Only once it was removed she became far too perfect for the world and died. Read it sometime, it's a good story.
So this whole idea began to marinate in my brain. I realized that the men here have too many options to choose from so simpler, curvier, and plainer girls like myself and my roommate don't really stand much chance to attract them. Further, I was ok with that.
Here's my poem that pretty much explains my feelings
A Confession on Love
As much as I think I love you
As much as I know you’re wonderful
As much as we seem to get along
We both know
You cannot love what you secretly despise
You have an ideal
You have an ambition
You have too many options
We both know
That one beauty will meet your expectations
Do not feel sorry for me
Do not turn your hand to mine
Do not regret what never was
We both know
We’d rather be alone than to be only loved almost
Enjoy your quest
Enjoy your straight nose
Enjoy your slim hips and black eyes
We both know
That I sincerely wish you well with your dream.
I am content
I am glad of your goals
I am glad of my own
We both know
That it’s not in me to dwell on things that never were
Someday, there’ll be another
Someday, I’ll be the Queen
Someday, I’ll be the ideal
We both know
True love is always beautiful in the beholders eyes
An that pretty much sums up this post. Wish me luck on this next goal for staying organized.
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