Well, I did it.
One whole week and my floor stayed pretty much clutter free despite the vacuum being broken.
Five dollars to me, cha ching!
Reflections.
Nothing seems a whole lot different than before except that it's easier to find stuff and I don't have to dig around so much for the things I do want. That's lessened my stress somewhat so that's good and it saved time.
It's too early to tell much. But I do know that though I may be able to tolerate a cluttered floor indefinitely I prefer a clean one.
This weeks challenge!
I want to be fit. I will exercise at least 20 minutes every morning.
And no, I'm not going to use my route as an excuse to exercise since my route officially ends on Saturday. The point is to develop lasting habits, not weekly funds. Besides, the rules say I have to keep it up week to week. I don't know what I'll do yet, but I'll think of something. One difference I'll make due to the fact that my sleeping time is currently 11-3:30; 7-10 is that I'll workout after my morning sleep. That's my real morning anyway.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Friday, April 6, 2012
I Hate Decisions
Mostly, because if I have to make a big decision I'd rather for it to be a quick and relatively painless one rather than one I have to sit on for days on end and worry about.
It would help if my fatal flaw didn't always get in the way. Everyone has one. The one thing that is a great a talent, but also a great burden. Mine, is that I like to help people out whenever I can, regardless of how it puts me out.
I finally understood this fatal flaw just yesterday. My sister needed a secretary in ten minutes. I had a whole list of things I need to get done before I head back to school. I had to say no, and I cried because I felt so guilty about it. Both decisions would have been considered a "right" choice. One required disappointing a sister. I especially hate those kind of decisions that make me feel selfish.
So here's my recent dilemma.
Last Fall I had an issue with dealing with stress. I was almost pushed over the edge, but with some loving help I got back on my feet. To combat these feelings in the future I've started the "Habit Changing Challenge" with my mom. Those tiny things in my list in the previous post could do so much to help me handle everything else. It's those tiny things that add up that make all the difference.
That said, I already had three semester goals. Work, A Bro Jo fireside, and Biggest Winner.
Yesterday I was approached by our lead sensei. He wanted me to start up a Jujitsu chapter up at Rexburg. (Sensei Caleb is new to the area and an old student of my own and current Head Sensei Reale. (Though I've only seen him twice since being home.) Sensei Caleb is more like a senpai (senior) to me than a sensei, though I do respect his knowledge and skill at the art. So I guess that makes my sensei like a soutaichou (head captain) the other guy just a taichou (captain.) At first menkio (sp) or first degree black belt, at most I'd probably rank as a Fukutaichou (lieutenant.)
Here is where I am conflicted.
Pros
• I would get to practice and avoid Jujitsu withdrawals while at school.
• I would have a second established social time.
• I would have more reason to keep up my habit changing goals. The more responsibilities I have the more important it will be for me to keep up those little habits.
• I'd get support from the local dojo at the nearby town and Caleb Sensei wants to come up on weekends.
• I might earn some money.
• I'd feel like an adult who's accomplished something. I know as an adult I will eventually have to be busy all day. That's part of growing up. This would be good practice.
• It's a potential bass for a job right out of school.
• It would be something that I could master that I actually kept up since I was kid. Thereby avoiding the guilt that comes every time I say I'll do something and then find myself not wanting to or unable to do it.
• It's an old dream to lead a dojo (This dream was unintentionally killed by Sensei Reale. He put too much pressure on me too quickly. But Sensei Caleb in a single afternoon has replanted those dream seeds in me somehow. If nothing else, Caleb Sensei is a people person.)
• It’s something that I really love to do.
• If I cut out my six hours of tv time a day it’s more likely to happen.
Cons
• Potentially no time for homework.
• Extra pressure to get things done.
• Nerves that I won't be a good enough sensei and the class will die. Otherwise disappoint Sensei Caleb.
• My own tendencies to over-think and over-stress everything.
• It's another hobby job.
• I don't know if instructing a dojo by myself is something that I want to do, because I know my own weaknesses and short-comings in the art.
• I could potentially put myself back into the same dangerous position I was last Fall.
• I’ve only have three semesters left with a large block in-between my second and last semester. No one to take-over? I don’t think I could train someone that well in that short space of time.
Why is it that all of the stuff that I like to do could only ever earn a small income?
If I was better at finances I could see myself entering into the gi/other supplies part of the business and earn some money. If I got down and serious about teaching it I could see myself making a small living.
I've never wanted to earn a lot of money. But I always wanted to be independent and secure.
Actually, why is finances always my first worry when it comes to decision making? No wonder I'll never visit Europe.
I do know already that after school I want to live in the area and continue to refine my art. But do I want to continue it at school?
Here's what I know about my Spring schedule.
My classes are all 200/300 level (though anyone whose been in college knows that the difficulty and amount of work from a class depends entirely upon the professor.)
My day will probably start at 5 for my 20 min personal workout.
I start my classes at 7:45 and end at 1 or 2:45 respectively.
I work at least 5 hours a week at 10:15. All other hours would have to come from the afternoon and I need to work at least 12 to live at school. So an average of three hours a day.
Biggest Winner costs me three to four hours a week.
Add another 5 hours to personally train Brittany.
I like to take hour long walks in the evening to de-stress.
I have nine hours after school to play with. These hours would have to be used for work, homework, shopping, cleaning, walking, Biggest Winner, Visiting Teaching, and for part of the semester getting Bro Jo onto campus. (That would actually be probably easier to do through my bishop than the school.)
If I wake up at 5 and go to bed at 10 six days a week I will have 17 hours a day, 102 hours a week to play with.
Total Hours/Week excluding Sunday
School = 16
Work = 12-14
Homework = 24 (based on class type)
All Fitness = 11.5
Visiting Teaching = 1.5
Bro Jo = 1.5-5
Shopping = 3
Cleaning = 1
Walking = 6
Personal Reading = 3
Self-Maintenance = 10
Play-Time = 12
FHE = 1
Other Church Activities = 1
TV Time = Old Habit = 36/Hopeful New Habit = 6
Actually Visiting Teaching might not count since that's usually on a Sunday. And unless there's a big project coming up I rarely spend more than an hour on any class. Saturdays could be used for projects.
Current Hours Used Based on Highest Prediction Except TV
114
I'm now beginning to see why I might stress so much during school. I predicted self-maintenance kinda high. Play time could easily include training and jujitsu. And Bro Jo isn't forever.
Taking these factors (with a minus 3 for hygiene) into account the number becomes.
94.5
So it really all depends on how I manage my variable time. I could it if I were more disciplined and could relax during my fun activities. For all I know homework won't take me that long.
Then again. My main focus at school should be school. Not extra-curricular activities. But then again, they're always telling us to live life to the fullest in college.
I could also sacrifice Biggest Winner for Jujitsu. But I don't want to lose that social workout atmosphere.
What to do?
Blog therapy is only serving to decrease my anxiety about the whole thing.
I could see it working if it were a Saturday only class. But, that wouldn't give me time to train up someone to take over when I'm not in town, or eventually move.
Whats the point of starting something that's just going to die?
Then again, I've used my Saturday's as full week homework days before and did fairly well. I know I think about subjects better when my brain hasn't already been stuffed with two or three different class periods.
You know, I really hate that all my planning has to be based on finances and the possibility that I'll be alone. Why do I have look at life like I'm going to be alone as a spinster or a widow or left behind? Why can't I hope for the best?
Probably because hope for the best doesn't put food on the table.
My family is very middle class. My sisters all aimed for and two of them currently live in better circumstances than they grew up in. They expect me to do the same. I don't want to ruin the family legacy of education and aspiring to be better. But I don't think my happiness should be based on whether or not my goals are aiming at a higher tax bracket.
At the same time, I don't want to be poor or lower class. No offense. I just don't find much security in living pay check to pay check.
Isn't there a happy medium?
The cruel irony is that I'll probably be somewhere I never would have expected to be ten years down the road. Someplace I didn't plan for or predict. So why am I worrying so much if all the planning in the world isn't going to change that?
Because I guess not trying is worse.
The current issue is whether I can emotionally handle the extra load of starting a class this Spring.
The future issue is that if I really do want to continue in the art I need to decide how important of a role its going to play in my life.
Sigh...decisions, decisions....
K, after much debate and schedule making. I've decided the best thing for my sanity is to have Saturday only classes for several hours. Saturday, cause it's my most open day. Several hours, cause that's the only way I'm ever going to be able to train anybody up enough to take over.
I'll print my schedule just to prove to Sensei Caleb just how crazy college life is.
As for the future...I'm not going to worry about it yet. Career-wise, I still need to research my options that come with my major. I think finding job options in the area based on my major would be the wisest thing to do. If I teach jujitsu on the side that would awesome. If I end up doing that and being a mom while dad earns the green that would be even better. If I'm single with kids, the more areas I can earn money the better.
And that's all I'm going to worry about right now.
Close blog therapy. It seriously works. I feel so much better.
It would help if my fatal flaw didn't always get in the way. Everyone has one. The one thing that is a great a talent, but also a great burden. Mine, is that I like to help people out whenever I can, regardless of how it puts me out.
I finally understood this fatal flaw just yesterday. My sister needed a secretary in ten minutes. I had a whole list of things I need to get done before I head back to school. I had to say no, and I cried because I felt so guilty about it. Both decisions would have been considered a "right" choice. One required disappointing a sister. I especially hate those kind of decisions that make me feel selfish.
So here's my recent dilemma.
Last Fall I had an issue with dealing with stress. I was almost pushed over the edge, but with some loving help I got back on my feet. To combat these feelings in the future I've started the "Habit Changing Challenge" with my mom. Those tiny things in my list in the previous post could do so much to help me handle everything else. It's those tiny things that add up that make all the difference.
That said, I already had three semester goals. Work, A Bro Jo fireside, and Biggest Winner.
Yesterday I was approached by our lead sensei. He wanted me to start up a Jujitsu chapter up at Rexburg. (Sensei Caleb is new to the area and an old student of my own and current Head Sensei Reale. (Though I've only seen him twice since being home.) Sensei Caleb is more like a senpai (senior) to me than a sensei, though I do respect his knowledge and skill at the art. So I guess that makes my sensei like a soutaichou (head captain) the other guy just a taichou (captain.) At first menkio (sp) or first degree black belt, at most I'd probably rank as a Fukutaichou (lieutenant.)
Here is where I am conflicted.
Pros
• I would get to practice and avoid Jujitsu withdrawals while at school.
• I would have a second established social time.
• I would have more reason to keep up my habit changing goals. The more responsibilities I have the more important it will be for me to keep up those little habits.
• I'd get support from the local dojo at the nearby town and Caleb Sensei wants to come up on weekends.
• I might earn some money.
• I'd feel like an adult who's accomplished something. I know as an adult I will eventually have to be busy all day. That's part of growing up. This would be good practice.
• It's a potential bass for a job right out of school.
• It would be something that I could master that I actually kept up since I was kid. Thereby avoiding the guilt that comes every time I say I'll do something and then find myself not wanting to or unable to do it.
• It's an old dream to lead a dojo (This dream was unintentionally killed by Sensei Reale. He put too much pressure on me too quickly. But Sensei Caleb in a single afternoon has replanted those dream seeds in me somehow. If nothing else, Caleb Sensei is a people person.)
• It’s something that I really love to do.
• If I cut out my six hours of tv time a day it’s more likely to happen.
Cons
• Potentially no time for homework.
• Extra pressure to get things done.
• Nerves that I won't be a good enough sensei and the class will die. Otherwise disappoint Sensei Caleb.
• My own tendencies to over-think and over-stress everything.
• It's another hobby job.
• I don't know if instructing a dojo by myself is something that I want to do, because I know my own weaknesses and short-comings in the art.
• I could potentially put myself back into the same dangerous position I was last Fall.
• I’ve only have three semesters left with a large block in-between my second and last semester. No one to take-over? I don’t think I could train someone that well in that short space of time.
Why is it that all of the stuff that I like to do could only ever earn a small income?
If I was better at finances I could see myself entering into the gi/other supplies part of the business and earn some money. If I got down and serious about teaching it I could see myself making a small living.
I've never wanted to earn a lot of money. But I always wanted to be independent and secure.
Actually, why is finances always my first worry when it comes to decision making? No wonder I'll never visit Europe.
I do know already that after school I want to live in the area and continue to refine my art. But do I want to continue it at school?
Here's what I know about my Spring schedule.
My classes are all 200/300 level (though anyone whose been in college knows that the difficulty and amount of work from a class depends entirely upon the professor.)
My day will probably start at 5 for my 20 min personal workout.
I start my classes at 7:45 and end at 1 or 2:45 respectively.
I work at least 5 hours a week at 10:15. All other hours would have to come from the afternoon and I need to work at least 12 to live at school. So an average of three hours a day.
Biggest Winner costs me three to four hours a week.
Add another 5 hours to personally train Brittany.
I like to take hour long walks in the evening to de-stress.
I have nine hours after school to play with. These hours would have to be used for work, homework, shopping, cleaning, walking, Biggest Winner, Visiting Teaching, and for part of the semester getting Bro Jo onto campus. (That would actually be probably easier to do through my bishop than the school.)
If I wake up at 5 and go to bed at 10 six days a week I will have 17 hours a day, 102 hours a week to play with.
Total Hours/Week excluding Sunday
School = 16
Work = 12-14
Homework = 24 (based on class type)
All Fitness = 11.5
Visiting Teaching = 1.5
Bro Jo = 1.5-5
Shopping = 3
Cleaning = 1
Walking = 6
Personal Reading = 3
Self-Maintenance = 10
Play-Time = 12
FHE = 1
Other Church Activities = 1
TV Time = Old Habit = 36/Hopeful New Habit = 6
Actually Visiting Teaching might not count since that's usually on a Sunday. And unless there's a big project coming up I rarely spend more than an hour on any class. Saturdays could be used for projects.
Current Hours Used Based on Highest Prediction Except TV
114
I'm now beginning to see why I might stress so much during school. I predicted self-maintenance kinda high. Play time could easily include training and jujitsu. And Bro Jo isn't forever.
Taking these factors (with a minus 3 for hygiene) into account the number becomes.
94.5
So it really all depends on how I manage my variable time. I could it if I were more disciplined and could relax during my fun activities. For all I know homework won't take me that long.
Then again. My main focus at school should be school. Not extra-curricular activities. But then again, they're always telling us to live life to the fullest in college.
I could also sacrifice Biggest Winner for Jujitsu. But I don't want to lose that social workout atmosphere.
What to do?
Blog therapy is only serving to decrease my anxiety about the whole thing.
I could see it working if it were a Saturday only class. But, that wouldn't give me time to train up someone to take over when I'm not in town, or eventually move.
Whats the point of starting something that's just going to die?
Then again, I've used my Saturday's as full week homework days before and did fairly well. I know I think about subjects better when my brain hasn't already been stuffed with two or three different class periods.
You know, I really hate that all my planning has to be based on finances and the possibility that I'll be alone. Why do I have look at life like I'm going to be alone as a spinster or a widow or left behind? Why can't I hope for the best?
Probably because hope for the best doesn't put food on the table.
My family is very middle class. My sisters all aimed for and two of them currently live in better circumstances than they grew up in. They expect me to do the same. I don't want to ruin the family legacy of education and aspiring to be better. But I don't think my happiness should be based on whether or not my goals are aiming at a higher tax bracket.
At the same time, I don't want to be poor or lower class. No offense. I just don't find much security in living pay check to pay check.
Isn't there a happy medium?
The cruel irony is that I'll probably be somewhere I never would have expected to be ten years down the road. Someplace I didn't plan for or predict. So why am I worrying so much if all the planning in the world isn't going to change that?
Because I guess not trying is worse.
The current issue is whether I can emotionally handle the extra load of starting a class this Spring.
The future issue is that if I really do want to continue in the art I need to decide how important of a role its going to play in my life.
Sigh...decisions, decisions....
K, after much debate and schedule making. I've decided the best thing for my sanity is to have Saturday only classes for several hours. Saturday, cause it's my most open day. Several hours, cause that's the only way I'm ever going to be able to train anybody up enough to take over.
I'll print my schedule just to prove to Sensei Caleb just how crazy college life is.
As for the future...I'm not going to worry about it yet. Career-wise, I still need to research my options that come with my major. I think finding job options in the area based on my major would be the wisest thing to do. If I teach jujitsu on the side that would awesome. If I end up doing that and being a mom while dad earns the green that would be even better. If I'm single with kids, the more areas I can earn money the better.
And that's all I'm going to worry about right now.
Close blog therapy. It seriously works. I feel so much better.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Game Start: Week 1
Start of week 1
I want to be clean/ room maintenance.
Simple, the floor must be cleared of all clutter.
That's it.
Oh, and to sweeten the deal my mom and I have an incentive. For every week that I can keep this up I earn five dollars.
Now, just to be sure I do keep this up.
There is a punishment.
For every week that I let one of the new habits fall short. I owe mom five dollars.
Five dollars is a lot of money for me a this stage in life. That's a whole meal!
So ready, set, game start!
I want to be clean/ room maintenance.
Simple, the floor must be cleared of all clutter.
That's it.
Oh, and to sweeten the deal my mom and I have an incentive. For every week that I can keep this up I earn five dollars.
Now, just to be sure I do keep this up.
There is a punishment.
For every week that I let one of the new habits fall short. I owe mom five dollars.
Five dollars is a lot of money for me a this stage in life. That's a whole meal!
So ready, set, game start!
Confrence Reflections and New Goals
I'm a Mormon, or more correctly stated, I'm a member of the Church of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-day Saints.
Which means every six months for eight hours combined on a weekend, nine if you're a member of the priesthood, we gather and listen to the prophets and apostles and others called to speak at the world meetings.
The whole Saturday morning session really spoke to me and it got me thinking.
When did I become such a whuss?
Though I was having a much harder time dealing with my addiction as a teenager I would have never cringed from an open opportunity to admit that I was a member of the church. Which I have done twice since going to college and felt slight guilty about. On the one hand those opportunities could have been like casting pearls before swine, but then again...who knows?
I was so much stronger back then, and so much weaker. It's kind of like a deja vu grade report.
Old Me
F) Back then I didn't stand up for myself very much and didn't like to try and make friends in social situations.
F) So I was lonely and felt harassed a lot.
C) I'd often cry after church because I was so lonely.
A) But I also never gossiped, hardly ever got angry at anybody, and knew that deep down everybody had a good person they could choose to be.
A) I also had the strongest sturdiest faith in the entire world.
A) News of my church always made me happy and excited.
A) I hardly ever lied or made excuses and always gave 100% effort. As long as I'm sincere and doing my best of course any mistakes or short-comings will be forgiven.
Current Me
A) Now I can defend myself.
A) I don't roll over and play dead in a social situation.
A) I'm less lonely and more likely to understand what people really mean.
C) But I also gossip. Good and bad things, I never talk bad about someone to someone who would know them but honestly does that make it any less bad even if the person deserves it? (By that I mean they really did wrong me no matter how you look at it.)
C) I find myself actually putting up angry walls with people who I'm probably just misunderstanding or not communicating well enough with. I still believe that inside everyone is a good person, but I can't love them unconditionally like brothers and sisters anymore, friends and acquaintances is about all I can come up with.
F) Also, I don't get excited about my church anymore. Unless it's personal study or conference I don't like to discuss it.
F) I simple don't care to give 100%. I really wouldn't mind verbally sparing with someone who had anything to say about it. I have every excuse in the book to not go all out in the things I do. (I'm weak, I don't like it, I won't ever be that good, I haven't been practicing, Nobody will...etc.)
My realizations
1.) I've grown, but I've also regressed as a person. Most concerning, in honor.
2.) I've allowed excuses and my weakness to start to rule my life. Making me a dud. (Someone who simply exists because they do nothing while wishing they were doing something.)
3.) It's easy for me to choose paths that I already know will make me unhappy simply because I've done the same thing for so long...so why not? (Examples of pitiful behaviors: not exercising, having not one, not two, but five peanut butter bars, watching tv all day.)
4.) I really hate cycling between feeling close to, then far away from God. Always wondering how much of my belief is actual and how much is intellectual and cultural.
What this has to do with Conference?
The whole first session sounded like "repent and stop using excuses as a reason to not be your best. Why stay low when you know you can reach so much higher?" It also talked a lot about sacrifice. And I realized that my attitude was different about that now then it was when I was a teenager and it hadn't changed in a good way. Scary stuff. They're always telling us that knowing a truth and then sinning against it is worse than sinning without knowledge of it's spiritual damage.
So what does that say about me? Someone who keeps struggling in sincere prayer and scripture study, health and wellness, in just being a clean, good, honorable sort of person like my mom and dad? Ok, I know they aren't perfect either, but they don't sit back and say, well I have this excuse to not do that so I won't. They always felt bad when they couldn't serve or when they did something wrong and then they'd do something to make up for it. That's how in-tune I want to be with right and wrong.
But how to get there?
1.) Exercise my talents to plan and make goals.
2.) Do not expect to change all at once.
3.) Understand that changes are for all parts of my life no matter my circumstances or the situation. I am not one person at school and another at home. I've spent nine years like that and it's kind of exhausting. Plus it's depressing when you finally get a good habit going and lose it just because you move. What happens when I get a job, or get married. Start over again? Suddenly change into someone else? No. Rather not.
4.) I will no make excuses.
5.) I will stop thinking, "I don't want to be or become like that" and simply avoid those habits that make me depressed and think that I'm becoming those things in the first place.
I know that this sounds kind of familiar. But starting and then keeping goals is really hard and sometimes you just need to reboot. I always make myself depressed when I'm not following my goals and so this time my first objective is to prevent that kind of thought. Plus I think it'll be easier to change one habit a week than to talk about three issues every day.
How?
Using the seminary method. I'm going to make a calendar and each week I'm going to add a new habit to keep. Starting with the most simple and then moving to the more complex. I'm going to title each goal as "I want to..." Each goal with have the purpose of helping my self-esteem and improving over all health and wellness through establishing good habits. Each habit will serve as a defense from behaviors that I know will nudge me toward a bad mood, or self-pity and addiction relapse. Even just having a non-habit changing mini-goal a week would be fine.
SQUIRREL: I should sometime put in the areas of wellness I learned in my HS 131 class. But later, this blogs already long enough.
The hardest part is prioritizing. I want to do it all and be it all now. I don't want to wait. And the fact that I go back to school in two weeks frustrates me. Why? Because for some reason changes like that always mean a deadline in my mind even though part of this goal setting is that that kind of change is supposed to mean nothing. But I think "AH! I want to be doing that before I go back so blah-dee-blah-blah! Growl!
My Goals In Order (WARNING, it's a long list. The more specific the better. They will be listed in order of focus categories.)
I will follow the rule, add one habit per week. No deadlines. No excuses. No stressing.
(I know, you're wondering if that actually worked. The answer....)
(nope.)
1.) I want to...be clean. I will keep my room tidy.
2.) I want to...be fit. I will exercise at least 20 min in the morning six days a week.
3.) I want to...be spiritual. I will at least listen to the Word once a day.
4.) I want to...be nutritious. I will have only one snack a day.
5.) I want to...be productive. I will write for 15 minutes every day.
6.) I want to...be clean. I will not forgo any important part of daily hygiene.
7.) I want to...be fit. (Biggest Winner) I will exercises at least 3 days a week.Does not include morning 20 mins
8.) I want to...be spiritual. I will practice one sincere prayer a day.
9.) I want to...be nutritious. I will learn to count calories.
10.) I want to...be productive. I will do something socialDoes not include exercise every day. 10 min.
11.) I want to...be clean. I will keep my files, boxes, drawers, bags organized.
12.) I want to...be fit. I will start participating in/training for a fitness competition.
13.) I want to...be spiritual. I will attend institute.
14.) I want to...be nutritious. I will eat chocolate only once every two weeks.
15.) I want to...be productive. I will complete my homework/errands before seven pm.
16.) I want to...be clean. I will listen to wholesome music for 30 minutes a day.
17.) I want to...be fit. I will find my limits.
18.) I want to...be spiritual. I will do a focus study in the scriptures.
19.) I want to...be nutritious. I will learn to cook something new.
20.) I want to...be productive. I will only watch one hour of tv a day.
21.) I want to...be clean. I will remove (this kinda hurts right now, hopefully I'll be ready for it by this time.) anything that isn't virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy in my entertainment.
22.) I want to...be spiritual. I will do a focus study in the scriptures.
23.) I want to be...nutritious. I will not partake of foods that are not wholesome. Especially food/sweets that don't even taste that good. Word of Wisdom. NO MORE SEE-FOOD!
24.) I want to...be productive. I will actively prepare for the next day. Schedules/goals/training formats.
Ok, that's almost half a year so we'll see how this pans out. Patience. One week at a time. At least the timing for this is on my side. It's Sunday. The perfect day one for weekly goals.
I will update at least once a week. Probably on Sunday's where I'll report my progress and my new goals.
Which means every six months for eight hours combined on a weekend, nine if you're a member of the priesthood, we gather and listen to the prophets and apostles and others called to speak at the world meetings.
The whole Saturday morning session really spoke to me and it got me thinking.
When did I become such a whuss?
Though I was having a much harder time dealing with my addiction as a teenager I would have never cringed from an open opportunity to admit that I was a member of the church. Which I have done twice since going to college and felt slight guilty about. On the one hand those opportunities could have been like casting pearls before swine, but then again...who knows?
I was so much stronger back then, and so much weaker. It's kind of like a deja vu grade report.
Old Me
F) Back then I didn't stand up for myself very much and didn't like to try and make friends in social situations.
F) So I was lonely and felt harassed a lot.
C) I'd often cry after church because I was so lonely.
A) But I also never gossiped, hardly ever got angry at anybody, and knew that deep down everybody had a good person they could choose to be.
A) I also had the strongest sturdiest faith in the entire world.
A) News of my church always made me happy and excited.
A) I hardly ever lied or made excuses and always gave 100% effort. As long as I'm sincere and doing my best of course any mistakes or short-comings will be forgiven.
Current Me
A) Now I can defend myself.
A) I don't roll over and play dead in a social situation.
A) I'm less lonely and more likely to understand what people really mean.
C) But I also gossip. Good and bad things, I never talk bad about someone to someone who would know them but honestly does that make it any less bad even if the person deserves it? (By that I mean they really did wrong me no matter how you look at it.)
C) I find myself actually putting up angry walls with people who I'm probably just misunderstanding or not communicating well enough with. I still believe that inside everyone is a good person, but I can't love them unconditionally like brothers and sisters anymore, friends and acquaintances is about all I can come up with.
F) Also, I don't get excited about my church anymore. Unless it's personal study or conference I don't like to discuss it.
F) I simple don't care to give 100%. I really wouldn't mind verbally sparing with someone who had anything to say about it. I have every excuse in the book to not go all out in the things I do. (I'm weak, I don't like it, I won't ever be that good, I haven't been practicing, Nobody will...etc.)
My realizations
1.) I've grown, but I've also regressed as a person. Most concerning, in honor.
2.) I've allowed excuses and my weakness to start to rule my life. Making me a dud. (Someone who simply exists because they do nothing while wishing they were doing something.)
3.) It's easy for me to choose paths that I already know will make me unhappy simply because I've done the same thing for so long...so why not? (Examples of pitiful behaviors: not exercising, having not one, not two, but five peanut butter bars, watching tv all day.)
4.) I really hate cycling between feeling close to, then far away from God. Always wondering how much of my belief is actual and how much is intellectual and cultural.
What this has to do with Conference?
The whole first session sounded like "repent and stop using excuses as a reason to not be your best. Why stay low when you know you can reach so much higher?" It also talked a lot about sacrifice. And I realized that my attitude was different about that now then it was when I was a teenager and it hadn't changed in a good way. Scary stuff. They're always telling us that knowing a truth and then sinning against it is worse than sinning without knowledge of it's spiritual damage.
So what does that say about me? Someone who keeps struggling in sincere prayer and scripture study, health and wellness, in just being a clean, good, honorable sort of person like my mom and dad? Ok, I know they aren't perfect either, but they don't sit back and say, well I have this excuse to not do that so I won't. They always felt bad when they couldn't serve or when they did something wrong and then they'd do something to make up for it. That's how in-tune I want to be with right and wrong.
But how to get there?
1.) Exercise my talents to plan and make goals.
2.) Do not expect to change all at once.
3.) Understand that changes are for all parts of my life no matter my circumstances or the situation. I am not one person at school and another at home. I've spent nine years like that and it's kind of exhausting. Plus it's depressing when you finally get a good habit going and lose it just because you move. What happens when I get a job, or get married. Start over again? Suddenly change into someone else? No. Rather not.
4.) I will no make excuses.
5.) I will stop thinking, "I don't want to be or become like that" and simply avoid those habits that make me depressed and think that I'm becoming those things in the first place.
I know that this sounds kind of familiar. But starting and then keeping goals is really hard and sometimes you just need to reboot. I always make myself depressed when I'm not following my goals and so this time my first objective is to prevent that kind of thought. Plus I think it'll be easier to change one habit a week than to talk about three issues every day.
How?
Using the seminary method. I'm going to make a calendar and each week I'm going to add a new habit to keep. Starting with the most simple and then moving to the more complex. I'm going to title each goal as "I want to..." Each goal with have the purpose of helping my self-esteem and improving over all health and wellness through establishing good habits. Each habit will serve as a defense from behaviors that I know will nudge me toward a bad mood, or self-pity and addiction relapse. Even just having a non-habit changing mini-goal a week would be fine.
SQUIRREL: I should sometime put in the areas of wellness I learned in my HS 131 class. But later, this blogs already long enough.
The hardest part is prioritizing. I want to do it all and be it all now. I don't want to wait. And the fact that I go back to school in two weeks frustrates me. Why? Because for some reason changes like that always mean a deadline in my mind even though part of this goal setting is that that kind of change is supposed to mean nothing. But I think "AH! I want to be doing that before I go back so blah-dee-blah-blah! Growl!
My Goals In Order (WARNING, it's a long list. The more specific the better. They will be listed in order of focus categories.)
I will follow the rule, add one habit per week. No deadlines. No excuses. No stressing.
(I know, you're wondering if that actually worked. The answer....)
(nope.)
1.) I want to...be clean. I will keep my room tidy.
2.) I want to...be fit. I will exercise at least 20 min in the morning six days a week.
3.) I want to...be spiritual. I will at least listen to the Word once a day.
4.) I want to...be nutritious. I will have only one snack a day.
5.) I want to...be productive. I will write for 15 minutes every day.
6.) I want to...be clean. I will not forgo any important part of daily hygiene.
7.) I want to...be fit. (Biggest Winner) I will exercises at least 3 days a week.
8.) I want to...be spiritual. I will practice one sincere prayer a day.
9.) I want to...be nutritious. I will learn to count calories.
10.) I want to...be productive. I will do something social
11.) I want to...be clean. I will keep my files, boxes, drawers, bags organized.
12.) I want to...be fit. I will start participating in/training for a fitness competition.
13.) I want to...be spiritual. I will attend institute.
14.) I want to...be nutritious. I will eat chocolate only once every two weeks.
15.) I want to...be productive. I will complete my homework/errands before seven pm.
16.) I want to...be clean. I will listen to wholesome music for 30 minutes a day.
17.) I want to...be fit. I will find my limits.
18.) I want to...be spiritual. I will do a focus study in the scriptures.
19.) I want to...be nutritious. I will learn to cook something new.
20.) I want to...be productive. I will only watch one hour of tv a day.
21.) I want to...be clean. I will remove (this kinda hurts right now, hopefully I'll be ready for it by this time.) anything that isn't virtuous, lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy in my entertainment.
22.) I want to...be spiritual. I will do a focus study in the scriptures.
23.) I want to be...nutritious. I will not partake of foods that are not wholesome. Especially food/sweets that don't even taste that good. Word of Wisdom. NO MORE SEE-FOOD!
24.) I want to...be productive. I will actively prepare for the next day. Schedules/goals/training formats.
Ok, that's almost half a year so we'll see how this pans out. Patience. One week at a time. At least the timing for this is on my side. It's Sunday. The perfect day one for weekly goals.
I will update at least once a week. Probably on Sunday's where I'll report my progress and my new goals.
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Highs and the Lows
All life comes in circulating patterns.
I mainly use this blog as therapy to relieve pent up emotions and to help me positively work through issues.
Positively, because I get to practice my vocabulary and writing skills while at the same time venting about things that I might otherwise brood over and get emotionally sick from.
Somehow, just putting it out there, even if no one reads it, makes me feel better.
I try to write the good things as well as the bad. But I don't need the blog as much during the good times. I guess that's a good thing.
Things that have been happening lately.
1.) I've discovered the perfect formula for remembering dreams. Due to my work I wake up at 3:30, deliver papers, and I'm back in bed by 6 or 7. I don't remember dreams before this time, but during the second sleep cycle I don't think I go quite as deep as the first time. If I think over my dream and then write it down within the first ten minutes of waking up, I remember it with more clarity then if I tried to do this later. Basically, to remember your dreams, wake up all the way and then immediately go back to sleep again.
I'm using this as a method to get over my writers block. I swear, if I daydream about another grandfather leader having to save a granddaughter from a terrible evil scenario again I'll die. The scenario itself is entertaining. But unfortunately the premise belongs to someone else and I could only claim a fan-fiction piece at best.
2.) I'm now attending Jujitsu six days a week. It's a great way to get back into the art, especially since I don't have that much time to re-learn everything. I'll have to repeat the process next year, but that's the sacrifice of not attending a local college. It's a little annoying sometimes. The guys who've taken over the class are new to the area, they're my sensei's old students, but their methods are different. Where sensei taught that "as long as you get the job done I don't care" these guys are more precise. It can get under the skin a little, especially since I am a black belt. But it's good for me too. Still, sometimes I feel like a second class black belt and I can't help but justify it with my lack of practice. At least A, is fun to work with. I think I learn better from Mr. B. and Mr. E. better anyway. They've always been around and they're like my funny uncles so I guess it's understandable than trying to learn from the new guys Mr. C. and J.
3.) Remember the cycles thing? I'm going through quick cycles of eating complete crap and eating well. Hopefully this last experiment has put an end to that. Seriously, if you haven't had tortilla chips and cheese dip in a while, don't try to down half a bag in an afternoon. Your tummy will not thank you. If you happen to be an idiot and try it anyway. I suggest eating an apple. This service message has been brought to you by my loving dietetic sister who happened to give me a call at the right time.
4.) I finally got the green light to teach a wellness seminar to the RS girls. I think it'll be fun. It's a bit of a challenge, cause above sister often says things that make me feel inadequate to the task even though I've been teaching people how to move since I was sixteen. I want her help, but I don't want her doubting cloud. I think I'll rise to the task and surprise her with how well it goes.
5.) I've found out that yard work is almost as therapeutic as blogging.
6.) Just because it's raining I don't have to be depressed. As I've said, there's a part of me that hates the idea that my personal feelings have anything to do with star charts, ancestral spirits or the weather. It could be because I'm a recovering addict and I know what it's like to feel like you have no will power. But honestly, I think people themselves are more powerful than they ever give themselves credit for.
7.) New/Old Theory: Our opinions of others are almost entirely based upon how we think they view ourselves. Testing this theory through social interactions I have found it to be correct. If I go to meet a stranger with the firm belief that I'm a likable person, I will find them to be charming and wonderful people themselves. It's really fun actually.
I think that's everything. I know when school picks up its going to be harder to find blog time than now. Or should I said it's going to be harder to even think of blog time? Maybe that will be one of my many note card post reminders that I put on my wall every semester?
I mainly use this blog as therapy to relieve pent up emotions and to help me positively work through issues.
Positively, because I get to practice my vocabulary and writing skills while at the same time venting about things that I might otherwise brood over and get emotionally sick from.
Somehow, just putting it out there, even if no one reads it, makes me feel better.
I try to write the good things as well as the bad. But I don't need the blog as much during the good times. I guess that's a good thing.
Things that have been happening lately.
1.) I've discovered the perfect formula for remembering dreams. Due to my work I wake up at 3:30, deliver papers, and I'm back in bed by 6 or 7. I don't remember dreams before this time, but during the second sleep cycle I don't think I go quite as deep as the first time. If I think over my dream and then write it down within the first ten minutes of waking up, I remember it with more clarity then if I tried to do this later. Basically, to remember your dreams, wake up all the way and then immediately go back to sleep again.
I'm using this as a method to get over my writers block. I swear, if I daydream about another grandfather leader having to save a granddaughter from a terrible evil scenario again I'll die. The scenario itself is entertaining. But unfortunately the premise belongs to someone else and I could only claim a fan-fiction piece at best.
2.) I'm now attending Jujitsu six days a week. It's a great way to get back into the art, especially since I don't have that much time to re-learn everything. I'll have to repeat the process next year, but that's the sacrifice of not attending a local college. It's a little annoying sometimes. The guys who've taken over the class are new to the area, they're my sensei's old students, but their methods are different. Where sensei taught that "as long as you get the job done I don't care" these guys are more precise. It can get under the skin a little, especially since I am a black belt. But it's good for me too. Still, sometimes I feel like a second class black belt and I can't help but justify it with my lack of practice. At least A, is fun to work with. I think I learn better from Mr. B. and Mr. E. better anyway. They've always been around and they're like my funny uncles so I guess it's understandable than trying to learn from the new guys Mr. C. and J.
3.) Remember the cycles thing? I'm going through quick cycles of eating complete crap and eating well. Hopefully this last experiment has put an end to that. Seriously, if you haven't had tortilla chips and cheese dip in a while, don't try to down half a bag in an afternoon. Your tummy will not thank you. If you happen to be an idiot and try it anyway. I suggest eating an apple. This service message has been brought to you by my loving dietetic sister who happened to give me a call at the right time.
4.) I finally got the green light to teach a wellness seminar to the RS girls. I think it'll be fun. It's a bit of a challenge, cause above sister often says things that make me feel inadequate to the task even though I've been teaching people how to move since I was sixteen. I want her help, but I don't want her doubting cloud. I think I'll rise to the task and surprise her with how well it goes.
5.) I've found out that yard work is almost as therapeutic as blogging.
6.) Just because it's raining I don't have to be depressed. As I've said, there's a part of me that hates the idea that my personal feelings have anything to do with star charts, ancestral spirits or the weather. It could be because I'm a recovering addict and I know what it's like to feel like you have no will power. But honestly, I think people themselves are more powerful than they ever give themselves credit for.
7.) New/Old Theory: Our opinions of others are almost entirely based upon how we think they view ourselves. Testing this theory through social interactions I have found it to be correct. If I go to meet a stranger with the firm belief that I'm a likable person, I will find them to be charming and wonderful people themselves. It's really fun actually.
I think that's everything. I know when school picks up its going to be harder to find blog time than now. Or should I said it's going to be harder to even think of blog time? Maybe that will be one of my many note card post reminders that I put on my wall every semester?
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Random Theory I call the Pride and Prejudice Affect
"Peoples opinions of others are entirely based on how they believe those people view themselves."
Make sense?
Example 1. You know a woman who is remarkably well-dressed in a very modern sense and she is very pretty but never talks to you. You assume that because she never meets your eyes that she is proud, shallow, and believes you to be beneath her and if you are weak spirited you let this affect your opinion of yourself and overall happiness. When in reality she is merely shy, wishes to please, and has just as much social awkwardness as you do.
Example 2. Based on my first version of this thesis. I was a young teenager sitting in church and dreading that my hair wasn't doing exactly what I wanted it to. I assumed that everyone's good opinion was based upon the perfection of my hair and so judged myself accordingly. Therefore I was miserable and blamed everyone else for their judgements making me feel inadequate and felt doomed to always being second string and less than good enough so why bother trying so hard if it was only going to make me miserable? Luckily after that meeting I realized that I hadn't noticed what anyone else's hair was doing. Further, I couldn't even recall what anyone else looked like at all the Sunday before and realized that everyone must care about my appearance as much as I cared about theirs.
Conclusion of theory. One must always go about in good spirits and then they will recommend themselves to the good opinion of everybody regardless of station, looks, or choice of friends. The key is clear, confident, communication to avoid misunderstandings.
Make sense?
Example 1. You know a woman who is remarkably well-dressed in a very modern sense and she is very pretty but never talks to you. You assume that because she never meets your eyes that she is proud, shallow, and believes you to be beneath her and if you are weak spirited you let this affect your opinion of yourself and overall happiness. When in reality she is merely shy, wishes to please, and has just as much social awkwardness as you do.
Example 2. Based on my first version of this thesis. I was a young teenager sitting in church and dreading that my hair wasn't doing exactly what I wanted it to. I assumed that everyone's good opinion was based upon the perfection of my hair and so judged myself accordingly. Therefore I was miserable and blamed everyone else for their judgements making me feel inadequate and felt doomed to always being second string and less than good enough so why bother trying so hard if it was only going to make me miserable? Luckily after that meeting I realized that I hadn't noticed what anyone else's hair was doing. Further, I couldn't even recall what anyone else looked like at all the Sunday before and realized that everyone must care about my appearance as much as I cared about theirs.
Conclusion of theory. One must always go about in good spirits and then they will recommend themselves to the good opinion of everybody regardless of station, looks, or choice of friends. The key is clear, confident, communication to avoid misunderstandings.
Making Goals and Keeping Goals are Two kinds of Sauces.
I'm fantastic at making goals. I love that moment of anticipation and excitement that comes with a well planned ...plan. (I hate repeating words, but that's what it is.)
I'm great at keeping plans that have a day's deadline. I'm horrible at keeping life-changing, everyday, all the time kind of goals. I get bored, I forget, or I simply fall into my rut of laziness and say, maybe next time.
I think the hardest point of doing something is the moment before. Like repelling off a cliff. Actually trusting the rope and your lifter to hold you can take about ten minutes of freaking out before you finally (if ever) let yourself sit back into the harness (or too far back so your head is pointing at the rocks below. Not that I have personal experience or anything, just saying.)
So, my moment before is actually getting dressed.
I now have a newspaper route that I wake up at 3:30am for and promptly go back to sleep after around 6:30. It's great. It gets me up and walking. I get the see the moon in all it's glory. I get some alone thinking time with nothing but me and the radio. I get to experience runny nose, chapped lips, creaky muscles, and cranky customers, but hey, it's a job.
After the second wake up it's not so easy. I either do one of two things. Watch tv all day. Go through my e-mail newsletters all day (those things pile up quick). Or do chores all day. I forget my goals of fitness and writing the most. Luckily, I am "thrifting" my clothes otherwise I'd think I was a complete wreck after my last post declaration.
I'm currently most worried about the fitness thing. My sister got me to sign up for a 5k next weekend and I'm totally not in shape for it after two months of virtual inactivity. Let's just say I won't be surprised if I walk most of it. I'm a great walker. And I've never liked running. The only reason why I'm running is because my sister looked disappointed when I said I couldn't run.
Why do I put other people's considerations before my own? It's the only reason why I think next Saturday is going to suck. My sister, brother-in-law and their friends are totally going to leave me in the dust. Even knowing this I'm not trying to get some running in because (A) a week is hardly long enough to train for a 5k and (B) I've never liked running. Ever. I'm a lifter, always have been. If I have to do cardio I'd rather bike or do an obstacle course. Running is boring and it's too easy for me to play depressing mind games with myself because I suddenly have all this time to think about nothing else.
I can still remember back in fourth grade when we had to run around a field for PE. I remember thinking that I was a pretty good runner. I wouldn't be in the front but I'd at least be in the forefront. Not. I soon despaired as kids past me by and the lead runner got a full half field ahead of me. I quit then and just walked. I do the same thing during "free runs" all through middle and high school. After all the term "free run" is very loosely applied. Since there is no time limit or finish line who cares if I'm running or walking?
I like blog therapy. It gives me a space to get all these old demons out.
I like fitness, I really do. I like being with people who are working towards the same goals. I like dancing, biking, lifting, and I'd probably like rock climbing if there was a wall around hear since I love bouldering. I love teaching about it and learning. I'm slowly learning how to be fit in my own life.
You know, maybe this is why I can never be a real fitness buff. I take other people's opinions too much into consideration. I'll never be "fit enough" for the runners, marathoners, or lifters. But I can still be fit. Interestingly enough I think this is why I wisely stayed out of fashion. Too many peoples opinions crammed into your skull can make you go crazy.
I do enjoy my occasional day of laziness. But I think I do want to get up and go run sometimes. Even if it's for a short time. Honestly, I prefer Zumba. If there was a last Zumba girl standing competition, I would totally dominate.
As for writing. I just have a block. All my ideas are fan-fiction. Maybe I could blame this on watching too much tv? I just need to take time to sit down and free write one of these days.
I dreamed about school last night. I think I'm really missing it. Oddly enough I also keep dreaming about guys. This is a new development for me. I never dream about guys. I always dream about sunken cities, ancient ruins, and Chinese mafia. Not love triangles, awkward meetings or kissing. What is this? True I'm almost 22 and I'm long over-due for having these kinds of dreams according to the current statistics. But seriously? What's going on? I miss my adventure dreams.
I almost had one this morning. I was with my Grandpa and we were exploring some terra formations via helicopter and hiking. There was a gold stream only he knew how to find. For some reason Grandpa kept changing into Dad and back to Grandpa. No mystery there, they both always loved to explore the wilderness. It's a family legacy thing. Grandpa was even consulted by the park service when their maps became outdated. The only other details from the dream that I remember are that everyone seemed to think Grandpa was crazy and I was all excited to ask him about this mysterious gold vine and grateful that I could still ask him about stuff like that, but then my more conscious self remembered that he died last year.
And that's when a typical adventure dream turned back into one of my weirder guy dreams. You'd think I'd have some control over my dream self, but believe me, I don't. I've tried for years and whatever I plan to dream when I fall asleep never happens. Usually I'll get something much better.
All this being said. Today's goal is to get some yard work done since it's a nice-ish day. I should get some chores done since the end of the week is getting closer. And maybe I'll run on the Wii.
I'm great at keeping plans that have a day's deadline. I'm horrible at keeping life-changing, everyday, all the time kind of goals. I get bored, I forget, or I simply fall into my rut of laziness and say, maybe next time.
I think the hardest point of doing something is the moment before. Like repelling off a cliff. Actually trusting the rope and your lifter to hold you can take about ten minutes of freaking out before you finally (if ever) let yourself sit back into the harness (or too far back so your head is pointing at the rocks below. Not that I have personal experience or anything, just saying.)
So, my moment before is actually getting dressed.
I now have a newspaper route that I wake up at 3:30am for and promptly go back to sleep after around 6:30. It's great. It gets me up and walking. I get the see the moon in all it's glory. I get some alone thinking time with nothing but me and the radio. I get to experience runny nose, chapped lips, creaky muscles, and cranky customers, but hey, it's a job.
After the second wake up it's not so easy. I either do one of two things. Watch tv all day. Go through my e-mail newsletters all day (those things pile up quick). Or do chores all day. I forget my goals of fitness and writing the most. Luckily, I am "thrifting" my clothes otherwise I'd think I was a complete wreck after my last post declaration.
I'm currently most worried about the fitness thing. My sister got me to sign up for a 5k next weekend and I'm totally not in shape for it after two months of virtual inactivity. Let's just say I won't be surprised if I walk most of it. I'm a great walker. And I've never liked running. The only reason why I'm running is because my sister looked disappointed when I said I couldn't run.
Why do I put other people's considerations before my own? It's the only reason why I think next Saturday is going to suck. My sister, brother-in-law and their friends are totally going to leave me in the dust. Even knowing this I'm not trying to get some running in because (A) a week is hardly long enough to train for a 5k and (B) I've never liked running. Ever. I'm a lifter, always have been. If I have to do cardio I'd rather bike or do an obstacle course. Running is boring and it's too easy for me to play depressing mind games with myself because I suddenly have all this time to think about nothing else.
I can still remember back in fourth grade when we had to run around a field for PE. I remember thinking that I was a pretty good runner. I wouldn't be in the front but I'd at least be in the forefront. Not. I soon despaired as kids past me by and the lead runner got a full half field ahead of me. I quit then and just walked. I do the same thing during "free runs" all through middle and high school. After all the term "free run" is very loosely applied. Since there is no time limit or finish line who cares if I'm running or walking?
I like blog therapy. It gives me a space to get all these old demons out.
I like fitness, I really do. I like being with people who are working towards the same goals. I like dancing, biking, lifting, and I'd probably like rock climbing if there was a wall around hear since I love bouldering. I love teaching about it and learning. I'm slowly learning how to be fit in my own life.
You know, maybe this is why I can never be a real fitness buff. I take other people's opinions too much into consideration. I'll never be "fit enough" for the runners, marathoners, or lifters. But I can still be fit. Interestingly enough I think this is why I wisely stayed out of fashion. Too many peoples opinions crammed into your skull can make you go crazy.
I do enjoy my occasional day of laziness. But I think I do want to get up and go run sometimes. Even if it's for a short time. Honestly, I prefer Zumba. If there was a last Zumba girl standing competition, I would totally dominate.
As for writing. I just have a block. All my ideas are fan-fiction. Maybe I could blame this on watching too much tv? I just need to take time to sit down and free write one of these days.
I dreamed about school last night. I think I'm really missing it. Oddly enough I also keep dreaming about guys. This is a new development for me. I never dream about guys. I always dream about sunken cities, ancient ruins, and Chinese mafia. Not love triangles, awkward meetings or kissing. What is this? True I'm almost 22 and I'm long over-due for having these kinds of dreams according to the current statistics. But seriously? What's going on? I miss my adventure dreams.
I almost had one this morning. I was with my Grandpa and we were exploring some terra formations via helicopter and hiking. There was a gold stream only he knew how to find. For some reason Grandpa kept changing into Dad and back to Grandpa. No mystery there, they both always loved to explore the wilderness. It's a family legacy thing. Grandpa was even consulted by the park service when their maps became outdated. The only other details from the dream that I remember are that everyone seemed to think Grandpa was crazy and I was all excited to ask him about this mysterious gold vine and grateful that I could still ask him about stuff like that, but then my more conscious self remembered that he died last year.
And that's when a typical adventure dream turned back into one of my weirder guy dreams. You'd think I'd have some control over my dream self, but believe me, I don't. I've tried for years and whatever I plan to dream when I fall asleep never happens. Usually I'll get something much better.
All this being said. Today's goal is to get some yard work done since it's a nice-ish day. I should get some chores done since the end of the week is getting closer. And maybe I'll run on the Wii.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)